Isolation

When I left for Mallorca in May I knew I was fast approaching a crossroads in my life. I had been working on myself for years yet I still was running up against barriers that I simply could not break down. Isolation, accountability and immaturity are a few of the major challenges that I could not overcome. I needed to really step out of my comfort zone and be honest with myself about these problems. Honest about how I wanted the rest of my life to go.

Accepting who I am today

For too long I had been subconsciously awaiting the magic pill that would make everything better. Lazily hoping I’d wake up one day and this all would be gone forever, giving me my old life back. I’ve finally learned what should have been obvious, I don’t want my old life back. I need to understand myself today and forge my happiness within the depths of me today. Accepting of all of my flaws and loving myself for them instead of blindly waiting for them to somehow disappear.

I had to also accept that on some level I would have to live with these things forever. That I would remain immature in some ways and develop the tools to deal with it. That I would still struggle with accountability but would find a way to be conscious of it and mitigate the problem through self awareness and honesty. Isolation will also probably always be something I battle and is the challenge that I have struggled the most to overcome.

Understanding why

In my darkest times I shut myself away from everyone. It didn’t matter who it was. I couldn’t handle interaction with people and the little bit of human contact I did have because it was necessary was excruciating.

I’ve successfully worked my way past that extreme but the need to isolate is still there. I struggle with finding the necessary balance of allowing my mind to feel at ease while enjoying the basic need for real, meaningful, consistent human interaction.

I used to hide from the world when the noise in my head got too loud. Through work and time and practice I’ve realized that I’m not striving to eradicate the need to isolate from my life, I’m looking for balance.

Accepting that the trauma response of isolation is a common defense mechanism was the first step. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I was destined to live in misery because of the powerful pull in my mind of just avoiding the world. Once I understood the mechanism and began to work through it, I was able to find the middle ground where I am today.

That middle ground really isn’t ideal but it is significantly better than it used to be. Where I used to wake up and actively come up with reasons to not leave my apartment that day in order to be able to get out of bed, I now can work through that urge. Those days used to be every day, now they are significantly fewer and fewer all the time, but they are still there.

Frustration of isolation

It sounds cliche, but it’s all about healthy boundaries and tools. Sometimes I wonder if it has actually gotten any better at all or if I have just grown stronger and more capable of pushing aside the urge to isolate. It’s such a confusing situation to live with.

When I’m alone all I want is to be with people. When I’m with people, all I want is to be alone. The latter seems to win more often than the former. When I’m in public or in a situation I don’t control, the stress that it causes in my mind can be exhausting. It’s a non stop churning of pressure that mounts. The pressure is unrelenting and does not subside until I am back home.

It’s so frustrating because I don’t actively do it. I love being out in the world, spending time with people and I really don’t like sitting alone in silence. The only benefit to being alone is the peace in my mind, the lack of noise, the calm. The traumatized mind can’t differentiate, it only knows two gears.

It knows high alert any time I’m not in my safe place. It also knows peace when I am in that place. My safe place, to my traumatized brain is by myself, alone, no threats, no danger. Ironically, isolation is damaging in its own right because it worsens depression.

How it affects my relationships

Isolating does now and probably always will affect my relationships, romantic or otherwise. I’ve already hurt people, people who trusted me and with whom I had pure intentions. Not understanding the damage I was dealing with yet, I treated them poorly. I can’t change that and I feel awful about it. I have to be sure that I don’t cause anyone else pain again because of my own problems. Awareness is key for me. It’s hard for me though. I do crave friends and I do want romance in my life, I just don’t trust myself still.

Acceptance of the situation and a steadfast commitment to live each day singularly as it comes keeps me focused. Part of that acceptance is the reality that if I can’t get to the point where I trust myself with someone else’s emotions, I need to accept that I may just have to be alone for the rest of my life. Acceptance is not acquiescence though. It removes the pressure and allows me to do real, honest work toward the goal of self assurance.

Honesty is key

Honesty with myself and honesty with those close to me is so important. It isn’t easy to admit weakness even though doing so is actually a sign of strength. When I’m able to break the cycle of pushing aside the damage and pretending it isn’t there in order to be who I want to be for someone then I will be on the right path.

When I say pretending, it sounds devious or disingenuous. It sounds like I’m manipulating another person purposely and in effect I am, that’s why people have been hurt. I have been manipulated and it is so hurtful and disorienting. I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up for doing the same thing to people that I’ve had done to me. The difference, I’ve realized, is that I truly had the best of intentions. That does not in any way comfort those I’ve hurt or make it ok. The realization gave me the ability to start to work my way out of the practice of being someone I’m not. It gives me the ability to be honest with myself and with others.

I’m not the monster that narcissistic manipulators are, breaking people down for their own sick needs. I was just trying to be the good man I know I can be and want to be. I was taking the easy way out though. Not doing the work, not taking the necessary time so I could fix the deep seated problem. Instead I was ignoring the problem and hoping it just wouldn’t reappear. It always did.

Don’t give up

Today I have developed boundaries for others in my life for many aspects of my healing. For this problem I have had to also develop boundaries for myself. When I accept that isolation is part of the damage and that with time I can mitigate it, I can start to move toward more happiness. Honesty with myself and real self awareness about my emotions allows me to not act impulsively. Honesty with others about where I am in my healing journey gives them the understanding to be able to protect themselves and their emotions.

For years I have believed that isolation was a punishment because it felt that way. Once I started to understand that isolation is there to protect me and to protect others from me I was able to start to develop the skills necessary to lessen the need to isolate. It’s a struggle and sometimes its so exhausting I still just withdraw in order to regroup.

The important thing is that I don’t give up. I need to stay focused on the end goal of a happier, more fullfilling life. Understanding the process helps me remain hopeful that one day it will be a lot better. Until that day I will keep my head down. I’ll keep putting in the work and stay honest with myself about who I am so I can eventually be who I know I can be, again.

Thank you for reading. Writing is healing. One Love.

Can the Church regain trust?

Photo by Miguel R Llull

The Catholic Church has long been a beacon of hope and trust to its followers. The Church represents God, Faith and roots to be taught and handed down to generations. The Church, however has had a dark side for as long as it has exsisted.

In 1415 Czech theologian and philosopher Jan Hus was arrested by the Church, charged with heresy and burned at the stake. His actions that led to the charge of heresy? He believed and made his beliefs known, that since the Church was run by humans it was inherently flawed. Of course he was right and his words still ring true today.

I realize that 1415 was a different time that was not nearly as progressive as we are as a society today. That a man was willing to say what was true and was executed for it shows a level of arrogance and fear that never truly left the Church. That arrogance has been on full display within the structure of the Church throughout the current sexual abuse scandals. An arrogance that is unbecoming of any one person, much less the Church.

Betrayal

Arrogance has perpetuated the abuse and has victimized survivors over and over again. From cover ups to the transfers of known predators to the rule of pontifical secrecy. The Church has done more to protect itself than it has to protect its most vulnerable constituents.

When I consider the state of the Church today I think of Jan Hus. At the height of my anger against the Church for my abuse I held the organization to such extreme levels of holiness because that was how it was always presented to me. Eventually I had the realization that the Church, while enormous and divine was still just a worldly entity run by human beings and was therefore inherently flawed. Just as Jan Hus believed so long ago.

This isn’t an indictment of the Church per se. It is, however, an indictment of how the people running the Church have handled the clergy abuse scandal over the years. Decades of betrayal compounded by deceit and arrogance. Victims left to be victimized all over again by the organization that they believed in. The organization that gave their lives meaning and purpose and that has now damaged them irreparably. Predators enabled by humans to abuse again and again out of misplaced duty to the Church and not where their duty belonged, with the people of God who rely on it for spiritual guidance.

Photo by Miguel R Llull

Changes

The Church, the connection to God through men and women of deity is as sacred to believers as God Himself. When the entity betrays its most vulnerable congregants and then refuses to accept full responsibility and in fact creates an environment for it to continue to victimize them, that connection is at best called into question and at worst shattered to pieces.

For the Church to take control of the situation and become, once again, a symbol of hope and trust it would have to first accept that it is inherently flawed. The Church, at it’s highest levels would have to not only denounce the acts of betrayal and criminal attacks on its constituents but take active measures to prevent it from ever happening again.

The Church would have to adopt a zero tolerance policy for any member of clergy or staff who is accused of even the slightest hint of sexual misconduct. Due process is important but any priest or other member of clergy who is accused of such misconduct must be removed from contact with the public immediately.

All previous cases of sexual abuse by priests and members of clergy should be fully investigated by an independent third party to determine if all actors involved in all cases have been removed form contact with the public. This means supervisors who knew and protected the predators. Peers who knew and did nothing to protect the public. Any person involved who did not take basic, appropriate steps to protect the congregations and hold the criminals responsible should be identified and removed from the Church at the very least and held criminally accountable when appropriate.

Going forward, strict guidelines must be put in place to protect the public. An organization as large as the Church cannot prevent predators from slipping through the cracks completely but it can put in place reviews and processes that will identify likely offenders in the ranks and deal with them appropriately. Mandatory reporting of suspicions and review boards to investigate reports would be the very bare minimum.

Additionally, there must be severe punishment for anyone who knowingly aids and abets predatory acts by members of clergy. There have been approximately 17,200 documented cases of sexual abuse by priests in the U.S. alone, most of which could have been prevented had the predators not been enabled to continue their reign of horrors on communities through cover up and protection by other members of clergy.

Photo by Miguel R Llull

Pope Francis ushering in hope for change

Pope Francis has humbly ushered in an era of accountability that we haven’t seen from Church leadership before in regards to the scandal and has made significant changes in how abuse cases will be handled going forward.

The pope has said repeatedly that he takes personal responsibility for cases of abuse by members of the Church and calls the abuse a monstrosity. I find hope in his words denouncing the atrocities that have taken place and in that hope I pray for actionable steps to be put in place to prevent it from happening again. I pray also that the Church follows his lead in comforting those who have already suffered and provide guidance back to Faith for those who have lost it and seek a return to their Faith.

The pope’s stance on the abuses that have happened and the unconscionable cover up that has taken place gives me hope. He has been very vocal in his beliefs in interviews and writings. In December of 2016 Pope Francis penned a letter to his Bishops in which the following excerpt can be found.

“We hear these children and their cries of pain; we also hear the cry of the Church our Mother, who weeps not only for the pain caused to her youngest sons and daughters, but also because she recognizes the sins of some of her members: the sufferings, the experiences and the pain of minors who were abused sexually by priests. It is a sin that shames us. Persons responsible for the protection of those children destroyed their dignity. We regret this deeply and we beg forgiveness. We join in the pain of the victims and weep for this sin. The sin of what happened, the sin of failing to help, the sin of covering up and denial, the sin of the abuse of power. The Church also weeps bitterly over this sin of her sons and she asks forgiveness. Today, as we commemorate the feast of the Holy Innocents, I would like us to renew our complete commitment to ensuring that these atrocities will no longer take place in our midst. Let us find the courage needed to take all necessary measures and to protect in every way the lives of our children, so that such crimes may never be repeated. In this area, let us adhere, clearly and faithfully, to ‘zero tolerance’ “

https://www.vatican.va/content/francesco/en/letters/2016/documents/papa-francesco_20161228_santi-innocenti.html

On August 20, 2018 Pope Francis wrote a letter to the People of God calling on the Church to stand in solidarity with the victims of clerical sexual abuse. Several items in that letter stood out to me.

“It is essential that we, as a Church, be able to acknowledge and condemn, with sorrow and shame, the atrocities perpetrated by consecrated persons, clerics, and all those entrusted with the mission of watching over and caring for those most vulnerable.  Let us beg forgiveness for our own sins and the sins of others.   An awareness of sin helps us to acknowledge the errors, the crimes and the wounds caused in the past and allows us, in the present, to be more open and committed along a journey of renewed conversion.”

https://www.vaticannews.va/en/pope/news/2018-08/pope-francis-letter-people-of-god-sexual-abuse.html

“I am conscious of the effort and work being carried out in various parts of the world to come up with the necessary means to ensure the safety and protection of the integrity of children and of vulnerable adults, as well as implementing zero tolerance and ways of making all those who perpetrate or cover up these crimes accountable.  We have delayed in applying these actions and sanctions that are so necessary, yet I am confident that they will help to guarantee a greater culture of care in the present and future.”

https://www.vaticannews.va/en/pope/news/2018-08/pope-francis-letter-people-of-god-sexual-abuse.html

Apologies and action

As a survivor of clergy abuse I feel very emotional reading his words. Years ago I probably would have become angry reading them. I would have lashed out, claiming that words do nothing, action is needed. Today these words give me hope. Hope that the painstakingly slow process of change has begun. I have long yearned to hear words from the Church resembling this acknowledgment “Persons responsible for the protection of those children destroyed their dignity.”.

Apologies only mean so much and of course action means the most. The words in an apology tell me how sincere the apology actually is. These words tell me a lot. It is lazy to simply decry the actions of a man or woman. To say they acted out of sickness or some other issue, apologize and move on. It was very important for me to hear the acknowledgement of the failed responsibility of protection and the destroyed dignity, destroyed lives.

I have long stated that the Church is held to significantly higher standards of care than any one individual certainly, but even more than any other entity or organization. The people who make up the Church are representatives of God. Our Faith depends on devoted trust to their place in our lives. They are our connection to God and as such, we expect them to live trustworthy lives at the very least.

Hope

The broken trust, trust that was in my case blind as I am sure it is in most cases has been the hardest part of my recovery. Learning to trust fallible humans again has been painstakingly difficult. Learning trust the Church again seemed impossible to me. The hope I have been given through the words and actions of Pope Francis have given me the opportunity to learn to trust again. To trust people and to trust the Church.

Many people will say that he hasn’t done enough. While that is likely true, what he has done and is doing is more than has been done before. These things cannot change over night. Unfortunately, it’s a slow process to change the systematic cloak of protection that has been a part of the inner workings of the Church forever.

I am hopeful that the groundwork is being laid and that real change is on the horizon. When I get skeptical I remember that acknowledgment of the problem is the first step needed for change. This pope has acknowledged what has happened deeply and repeatedly. He has also claimed personal responsibility for the actions of the perpetrators. He has also vowed to begin the process of creating a system that will not allow it to ever happen again.

Pope Francis is quoted as saying “…even one case of abuse in the Church is a monstrosity…”. He’s right and striving to completely eradicate abuse from the Church is the only way to move forward. I hope I can find a place in the process of making these changes.

More from the August 18, 2020 letter from Pope Francis to the People of God

“The extent and the gravity of all that has happened requires coming to grips with this reality in a comprehensive and communal way.  While it is important and necessary on every journey of conversion to acknowledge the truth of what has happened, in itself this is not enough.  Today we are challenged as the People of God to take on the pain of our brothers and sisters wounded in their flesh and in their spirit.  If, in the past, the response was one of omission, today we want solidarity, in the deepest and most challenging sense, to become our way of forging present and future history.  And this in an environment where conflicts, tensions and above all the victims of every type of abuse can encounter an outstretched hand to protect them and rescue them from their pain (cf. Evangelii Gaudium, 228).  Such solidarity demands that we in turn condemn whatever endangers the integrity of any person.  A solidarity that summons us to fight all forms of corruption, especially spiritual corruption.  The latter is “a comfortable and self-satisfied form of blindness.  Everything then appears acceptable: deception, slander, egotism and other subtle forms of self-centeredness, for ‘even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light’ (2 Cor 11:14)” (Gaudete et Exsultate, 165).  Saint Paul’s exhortation to suffer with those who suffer is the best antidote against all our attempts to repeat the words of Cain: “Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Gen 4:9).”

https://www.vaticannews.va/en/pope/news/2018-08/pope-francis-letter-people-of-god-sexual-abuse.html

Am I my brother’s keeper?

Photo by Brett Jordan on Pexels.com

I think his inclusion of Genesis 4:9 is significant. I certainly do not believe that the predators who worked their way into the Church and used their places in society to exact horrific traumas on the youngest and most vulnerable people in the congregations deserve any leniency at all. They are the root problem as they are the ones who committed such disgusting and unconscionable acts.

However, if not for the enabling and protection by other members of the clergy the overall enormity of the scandal could have been lessened. Had they adhered to the words of Cain in Genesis 4:9. “Am I my brother’s keeper?” countless people could have been protected if they had simply considered where their responsibility truly rested. The answer would have to have been a resounding yes and those predators would have been stopped. The scandal would have been minimized, the damage done to the Church lessened and most importantly, the lives of innocent children and vulnerable adults would have been preserved.

The future of the Church and the trust which it garners from the people depends on Genesis 4:9. The people who need protecting are the people of God, the flock, the followers looking to the Church for spiritual guidance. When everyone in the Church understands this and adheres to it, people will begin to trust again.

Writing is healing. One Love.

Kindness after self destructive behavior

Photo by Miguel R Llull

Learning kindness after self destructive behavior isn’t easy. Looking back on my life it’s clear that I have always been very hard on myself. Whether I am challenging myself to be “normal” and do all the things that everyone else can do despite my physical limitations or punishing myself with self loathing and alcohol. I have never been kind to myself. I have never cut myself slack, until now.

The idea of treating myself well, being kind to myself was never really something I considered. I think I just never realized how hard I was on myself and how damaging that is. Not only was I living in world where I will never be enough, I created that world. Therapy taught me this but it took years of banging my head against the wall to finally realize that I created the circumstances and I was the only one who could change them.

Challenging myself to keep up with other people physically is not necessarily bad. It would be defeatist to simply accept that I am incapable of something without trying. That is not the part that is detrimental to my mental and physical health. Ignoring the pain, suffering the consequences of trying to keep up with others repeatedly and not taking care of my body is the destructive behavior.

Truths I’ve never told

It isn’t brave or inspiring. I have literally punished my body because I hated that it was incapable of what others could do. I have always been encouraged to try anything, to do what I can. My doctors and my family have never held me back and I appreciate that. It’s been me that has been my own worst enemy. I have turned that positive support into something negative.

I never cared that I was hurting myself. It didn’t matter to me that I was causing fractures in my leg or that tumors would form. The extreme pain that I would suffer from pushing myself was only a reminder of how much I hated my body and in a sick way it felt good to punish myself. When my actions resulted in surgery, again, I didn’t care. It was a disturbing form of self loathing that I never realized I was doing until recently.

I’ve said many times that my life always just felt normal to me. What I have dealt with physically was really all I knew so I never really took the time to understand how different it was. I never considered how much I was damaging myself physically and mentally by just trying to live a “normal” life.

Medicating to deal with the pain. Ignoring doctor orders after surgery. I remember one time, two days after surgery to remove tumors and shore up the support of the bone in my lower leg I was in the garage lifting weights. I couldn’t just rest, I couldn’t stand that I was told I needed to take time off and let my body heal. It didn’t end well. I broke staples holding the wound closed and bled all over the place. I have a body that needs and deserves kindness from me and I have never given it that.

Trying to escape the mental anguish of trauma

Once I began to isolate due to depression, I turned from physical punishment to not caring about the damage I would do to myself by drinking, heavily. I remember sitting alone in my apartment for long stretches of time. Blinds drawn all day long so it would be dark, sitting in my chair in silence and just drinking vodka. A lot of vodka. I don’t think I wanted to get drunk or liked the the taste that much. Likely I needed to escape from the mental anguish I suffered. I knew there would be consequences, potentially irreversible consequences but I didn’t care.

At the time, my past abuse was no longer sitting idle in the back of my mind. This was when it started to manifest itself in ways that I couldn’t ignore. I was scared of what I was feeling, terrified really. Even with a support group, I felt so alone. I couldn’t deal with what was happening and instead of asking for help, I drank.

It would be years still before I chose to take my life back. Years before I understood the depths of my trauma or the deep pain I was in under the surface. Looking back on those days now I can clearly see that I was in so much mental misery over what was beating me up inside that I was just trying to quiet the noise. I was drowning my pain in alcohol and the fact that it was injurious to my body didn’t matter to me at all.

Paying for the behavior

Today I pay for those times. My liver is damaged from heavy drinking although I am fortunate that I caught it in time and the effects shouldn’t hinder my life too much in the future. Thinking about those days in my dark, stuffy apartment make me sad. It’s sad to me that I resorted to such destructive behavior. I know that I was so lost and confused by the emotions I was feeling, I just didn’t have the tools to deal with them appropriately. I wanted to not feel, to be numb so I drank to block out the pain. It worked, temporarily, but of course that behavior is not sustainable and solves no problems.

I have learned to love and appreciate every bit of me. That’s not say that I don’t still get frustrated when my body lets me down or when my mind can’t process things. In those times I try to respond with kindness instead of punishment now. Kindness to my body that has been beat up pretty good over the years and kindness to my mind.

Lesson learned

The lesson here is that self destructive behavior is always indicative of something. It’s also very difficult to see the behavior as destructive at the time, it just feels like surviving. If you’re able to step back, even for a moment and see the behavior for what it is, try to understand why. The why will show you how to break the cycle and put you on the path to healing. Above all else though, be kind to yourself. You’ve suffered more than most but never as much as others. Be grateful for the life that you do have and that will help you focus on your positive traits. Thats not to suggest you ignore the challenges in your life but the positives will help you address the challenges and move past them.

Writing is healing. One Love.

The time pain almost broke me

Photo by Dayvison de Oliveira Silva on Pexels.com

I recently found something I journaled when I was in the middle of dealing with a herniated disk and pinched nerve in my neck almost 5 years ago.  The pain from the injury was 24/7 and was relentless.  The medication that helped me be even remotely comfortable had some horrible side effects and the whole situation nearly broke me.  

I read through what I wrote and felt that it would make a good blog post because I am sure that there are people that can relate to what I was feeling on top of the other chronic pain that I suffer from.

The following is an excerpt from my journal I was keeping during that time. When I wrote it I was in a very dark place, desperate almost. Days and nights blended together and I was a prisoner in my own apartment.

***January 2018***

As far back in my life as I can remember I have dealt with pain.  So much so that as I’ve gotten older and spent time really doing some deep soul searching, trying to get to the root cause of my short comings I can now draw a direct line from most of them to pain.

The problem with pain is that it is unseen.  You may see a scar or a bruise.  You may see a prosthetic or a cast, crutches or a sling or any other type of outwardly visible sign that pain may or may not exist, but you can’t see the pain.

Pain can overwhelm you.  Pain takes control of your mind without you even realizing it.  Chronic pain kills people; it drives them into the depths of despair until they can see no other way to rid themselves of their persistent menace but to end their lives.  In death they are finally free of the relentless iron grip of pain.

I feel like I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.  It’s subconscious,  developed over years of being in pain.   I’m not some extraordinarily tough guy, but when every day of your life includes a certain level of pain, you learn to live with it without realizing it.  

Pain was always a part of my life

Pain has been in my life forever.  When something is normal for you, especially when you are a young child, you just accept it as the norm.  As a matter of a fact, looking back on my youth, I believe that as a kid dealing with pain I just assumed that all of my friends were too.  I never considered myself to be any different from any of them.  My doctors always encouraged that, my family encouraged that and I just lived that.

9 years old during the process of lengthening both long bones in my left leg. You can see the apparatus that was stretching the bones slowly over 6 weeks.

If my friends were playing a sport, I was playing that sport.  If my friends were running a 5K, so was I.  I never felt like I looked any different or was any different than them.  I was never a top athlete, but man did I love to compete. 

As I have grown up, I’ve seen some pictures and videos of myself back in those days and honestly I was horrified by what I saw.  The extreme limp when I ran.  The horribly pronounced bowing of the femur in my left leg, I was crooked.  At the time I literally had no idea that I looked like that.  To me I looked like all the other guys that I saw from my own perspective.  I give a ton of credit to all of my friends in grammar school of whom some I am still very close to today.  

The disease caused “bowing” of the bones in my leg as you can see in these pictures. I believe these are from around 1987.

I can vividly remember a few times when I was made fun of, called peg leg or something stupid.  Each time one of my friends would stand up for me (Bob, John, Cass, George, Rob to name a few).  I also give them credit for playing sports right beside me and never treating me as less than any of them.  The bar to perform was set and I had to meet it, just like them.

The entire time, though…I was in pain.  My young mind had already begun to hide the pain away wherever it needed to so that I could function and not suffer.  Looking back now, I can clearly see early manifestations of chronic pain when I think about school.  

School work suffered

I was never good in school even though I am relatively intelligent and I truly do love to learn.  Focusing in class or at home doing homework was nearly impossible.  I could never sit and study and stay on task.  I know now that pain, chronic pain severely affects your ability to focus on things.  It’s as if your brain only has the capacity to hold so much information and to be able to process only so much stimuli.  The brain takes up so much of its RAM, to put it in computer terms, processing and dealing with pain every day that there is a very limited amount of brain power left to do school work or, as I got older, actual work.

Chronic pain takes away your ability to concentrate.  I didn’t realize that until I was much older.  Knowing that is great, it sheds a huge spotlight on a lot of frustrations I had growing up wondering why I can’t focus.  Why can’t I get the grades I want, that I know I am capable of?  I realize this sounds like an excuse and that is what it looks like to people who don’t know.  Why?  Because pain cannot be seen and those who deal with chronic pain do not advertise it, so on the exterior there is the perception that nothing is wrong while on the inside there is a 24 hour a day non stop battle raging by your mind and body to make sure that you can get through the day and most importantly, appear normal…like nothing is wrong.

Pain is invisible.  It is the strangest phenomenon a person can encounter. I sit in the office of a Dr whom I have never met, who is not intimately familiar with my medical history.  The Dr is rightfully cynical wondering if I am exaggerating or if I am telling it like it is.  Dr’s see so many patients who come to them, especially in the ER, who are lying, simply trying to get prescribed pain meds.  I ran into this only a few weeks ago.

A brand new source of pain

As I write this I am suffering new pain.  I live with and am relatively used to the pain in my leg but now I am dealing with some of the worst and most relentless pain I have ever experienced from a herniated disk in my neck that is putting pressure on two nerves that feed in to my left arm.  The pain does not stop, no change of position or home remedy makes the slightest difference, and it is horrible.  (I wrote this in early 2018 prior to surgery to repair the disk.  I am fully recovered 3 years later but have lasting numbness in my left arm and fingers and lingering weakness in that same arm).

The pain from the disk is new to me.  The origin of the pain is the disk in my neck but the pain is manifesting itself by obstructing nerves that come out of the spinal column providing feeling, function, and life.

I have experienced many forms of pain but in my opinion the worst kind is the pain that never leaves you.  The relentless attack on your mind by your own body.

I really have to try to understand all of this.  Pain is not only physical, the actual physical manifestation of pain.  Pain will break you mentally.  Dr’s prescribe drugs designed to stem the flow of physical pain but those drugs are ungodly.  As I write this, every letter I put on the paper is a blur.  Everything in my apartment is a blur.  My entire world is as if I am looking through glasses whose lenses are glazed over.  My fine motor skills are leaving me, I will only be able to write for so long before the tremors start again and I wont be able to hold back the pain.

The scariest part of all of this to me happened this morning.  I woke up with no memory of the previous day after 10 am.  When I woke up I noticed that my face had been shaved with a razor, I never shave with a blade.  There was blood on my water bottle and on my towel and on a glass in the kitchen.

I think I must have cut my finger on the blade but I have no memory of it.  After checking my phone call log I saw that I had spoken to Kaiser in Redwood City at 2:20 pm for 6 minutes but I have no memory of that conversation.  I saw in my texts that I had messaged my mom after that phone call to tell her that my surgery had been rescheduled for the following week from 1:00 pm to 8:30 am.  I have no recollection of any of this.

Medication was worse than the injury

I don’t know if they gave me instructions or steps I need to take in preparation for the surgery.  All of what I just described is really scary to me, to lose track of an entire day.  This was all caused by a medication I was taking to help stop the nerve pain called Gabapentin.  In my experience it is a horrible drug. Perhaps it works well for some under the right circumstances. I would rather suffer the full affects of the pain than ever take that drug again. 

All of the medications I was on during this time.

I feel like a prisoner in my own body due to the drugs I’ve been taking.   It feels as if I have been taken over from the inside. My mind and body are slowly breaking down, slowly giving up on me.  All of this because of pain, I don’t understand how people live like this.

Before taking any medication for this pain I felt desperate. I needed the pain to stop, even for just a minute.  I was desperate for help.  The first day of uncontrollable pain was Sunday January 7 (2018).  Today is Wednesday January 31 (2018).  24 days of choosing between the despair of relentless pain or taking so many pills that my life had in effect ended and I had been taken over by the vile affects of these drugs.  I still have seven more days of this hell, the mental and physical challenge of a lifetime.

By the time that I lay down on the OR table in seven days I will have endured 31 days of this misery.  31 days of my life gone.  Time with my daughter, gone.  31 days during which the few moments of clarity have opened my eyes to all of my faults and all of my fears, shortcomings and vices.  

God’s plan for me

I believe in God. I believe that God challenges us in strange and sometimes brutal ways. He has His reasons why and it is left up to us to see the light and follow His lead.  God wouldn‘t put me through all of this if he weren’t desperate for me to wake up. To take control of my life and be a man that I can be proud of.

He needs me to live a life of integrity; He needs me to lead and to lead specifically by example.  To live the right life and do the right thing, always.  To resist evil and to overcome my demons.  God is begging me to listen to Him; He is showing me the way.  God wants me to feel the purity of a strong, healthy body and mind.  Clarity, serenity, honesty.  Not just honesty but honesty with myself.  He needs me to stop lying to myself, be honest with myself about where I am in my life, what I need to do to get out of where I am and to be the dad, friend, brother, cousin and son that I am.

I need to start believing my worth, stand up for myself and stop destructive behavior, stop altering my mind.  Be true to myself, face my demons, and believe in myself.  I have to stop feeling like the other shoe is always seconds away from dropping.

***

I’m glad I found this; I had forgotten that I had written it.  In those dark days with that bulging disk, writing was one way I tried to keep my sanity. At the time it was the most challenging month of my life.  A lot of the sentiments that I expressed still ring true for me today. Re-writing it has helped me remember the misery that I got through. It has also shown me that I still have a lot of work to do.  It is a reminder that I am resilient and that I can and do overcome. I’m glad I wrote it all in the journal that night. It’s a good reflection on where I have been and it gives me hope for tomorrow.

Writing is healing. One Love.

Overcoming the turmoil in my mind

For most of my life I presented to the world who I felt like I was supposed to be. I wasn’t doing it on purpose, I didn’t even know I was doing it. I actually thought I was that person. I lacked identity and there was significant turmoil brewing just below the surface of my life. That turmoil would eventually throw me into the downward spiral that I’ve been documenting on this blog.

In hindsight I know that I was battling myself, I was literally pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I pretended to be a good hearted person. Someone that I could respect and that other people would like and want to be around because that’s who my heart wanted me to be. Inside however, I was destroyed. It was only a matter of time until that cauldron of boiling emotions took over my life.

Trauma restricts your growth

Trauma alters the course of identity evolution and undermines existing identity commitments . It can set you back years in the development of who you are or even freeze you in time where you were when the trauma occurred. For me, I’ve suffered from severe immaturity most of my adult life. For long stretches of time I’ve been able to pretend that I’ve matured normally but eventually it always caught up to me.

I wish that I could have understood what was happening inside me at a much earlier age. Knowing what was truly going on inside would have allowed me to avoid making some horrible mistakes and prevented me from hurting some people. Since it wasn’t possible to take that other path, I’m left to use those incidents as learning opportunities to grow from.

Lacking accountability

It’s all difficult to process because it’s as if I’m reinventing myself. I’ve felt like I need to relearn how to live at times. Its a strange dynamic. I’m almost 50 years old yet there are times when I don’t feel like I have the capacity to understand serious adults things, like an adolescent might. At times I haven’t faced up to real problems because I didn’t know how but since I’m as old as I am, I felt the need to let on that I know how. That’s one of the curses of pretending that you’re ok. People expect normal responses from you and you fear that if they see the true you they won’t respect you anymore.

The work I’ve done so far has been beneficial in reducing these incidents as I now have tools to deal with my immaturity. The most important tool is self accountability. For as critical as it has been for my growth, developing an understanding of the importance of holding myself accountable hasn’t been easy. In the past when I’ve been faced with a situation that’s hard for me to deal with I would ignore it and hope it just disappears or I’d hope that someone else would solve the problem for me. Accountability helps me face these challenges head on.

Learning to respect myself

Self accountability equates to self respect. I used to believe that if it was just me who would suffer consequences from my actions then it was fine. Lacking respect for myself, I felt like I deserved punishment any way, so why try to fight it. That alone was a huge barrier that I had to get past in order to start to heal.

Today I do have respect for myself. I know I’ve suffered but my self respect comes from how I’ve persevered through every trial. I found that I had some of the same attributes as others who I felt were impressive in their resiliency. That has helped me start to see myself in a different light. It showed me that I’m a good person and helped me realize that I no longer had to pretend that I was someone I really wasn’t.

I finally felt free to show the world exactly who I am on the inside, knowing that my real growth would take off once I was brave enough to do so. For so long I felt the need to be perfect, to never make mistakes and to be strong through everything life threw at me. This was exhausting and unrealistic. It would be impossible for anyone to accomplish perfection in life yet for some reason I was holding myself to that ridiculous standard even though I held no one else to it.

Believing I need to be perfect was really just all of my insecurities rolled into one thought. I feared that I would be looked down on for mistakes. That fear told me that anyone important in my life would leave me if I failed or made mistakes. I had no self worth. No belief in my value to myself or others so I pretended to be someone I could respect. It was debilitating.

Finding my voice

This format, this blog is what has set me free. It’s why I end every post with “writing is healing” because writing is literally healing me. Confessing my insecurities and all of my truths no matter how embarrassed I am of them has changed my life. Because of this I’ve found purpose, a drive to foster change in the world and to help others.

Most importantly I have found belief in myself. I respect myself and I know I have value. Value to me, my family, my friends, my community and the world. I’ve always wanted to write a blog about something but the ideas I’ve had never inspired much creativity in me. A conversation I had with the mother of a dear friend who passed unexpectedly over the summer inspired me to take this path. I will be eternally grateful to her for those encouraging words.

I’m finally me, not some person I’m pretending to be. I’m finally proud of who I am, shortcomings and all. Looking forward to everything that life has in store for me is new and exciting. That’s not to say that I don’t and won’t still struggle but I own that part of me now. There is peace and hope in that.

Writing is healing, One Love.

I want to help

Going through this process of healing has certainly been a roller coaster. There have been some ups and significantly more downs and I’m sure there will be a lot more of both still. As difficult as the down times have been, I have emerged from every one of them stronger than before. This is where I find my strength to help others.

I understand, beyond a doubt just how hopeless it feels when you are going through this hell. You feel isolated, misunderstood, helpless and hopeless. You feel as though no one can help. Either because no one understands or you don’t have the strength to tell anyone just how damaged and hurt you feel. I know, I understand and I can help others see that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.

I see myself as an advocate. I want to be an advocate for survivors. To be a voice for them when they can’t use theirs. I also want to help them find their voice when they are ready to. I also want to advocate for Faith. To be a voice of reason when anger takes over reasoning. When the hurt is too much to bear and the Church is the source of that hurt, I want to help people see that their Faith remains regardless. Show them that they can accept faith back on their terms. Help them see that their road to a healthy mind, to recovery can be made smoother through their Faith.

I want to tell my story of perseverance through struggle to groups. I want to field questions and have honest conversations with victims and their loved ones. I want to have similar conversations with groups and individuals who have lost their trust in the Church, in religion and in God. Additionally, I want to have those same honest conversations with the Church.

I want to help to hold the Church to the highest standards of conservatorship. The parishioners all over the world deserve nothing less. I want to help rebuild the trust in the Church in the only way possible, over time and through complete transparency. I want to help advise the Church. I want them to hear my experience and know that I think the Church could have handled my situation better and in turn learn ways to better support survivors and their families. I want to help the Church to understand that just because there may be legal complications due to lawsuits etc that it still bears a responsibility to help the victims deal with the confusion and betrayal of their Faith in the overall process.

Ultimately I want to use my voice, my platform to first and foremost protect and support survivors and their families. Secondly, I see a fantastic opportunity for me to be a part of the healing of the Church also. Faith is such a big part of life and how to work through the trials and tribulations that life brings. It made things more difficult for me not having my Faith to guide me at first. I want to work to prevent other survivors from having to go through.

I am determined to use my voice that was silenced so long ago and for so long. Writing for this blog is the first step, finding the right situation to do the most good is next. Writing is healing, One Love.