I used to hide from accountability. I would get defensive immediately if anyone ever came close to critiquing me in any way. Making excuses and deflecting blame was a natural reaction for me and as you can imagine, pretty off putting to those around me.
When I think back to my years in the dark, fighting all the inner attacks until I learned the tools I needed to get free, I really don’t remember ever addressing failure as a trigger for my PTSD. While working my way out of the darkness and into a place where I have successes, I’ve developed an unhealthy fear of failure.
There are many manifestations of PTSD that will stay with me forever. Some are small and relatively insignificant while others are pretty important to stay on top of because they have the power to derail me if I’m not careful.
At a certain point in my recovery I started to fear failure. I can’t put my finger on when or why because it didn’t show up at first as fearing failure. I started finding myself subconsciously looking for ways to not have to take responsibility for my actions. This was disturbing for me because a huge part of my recovery from PTSD was owning my actions, good or bad.
To me, owning my actions means being humble and accepting that failure comes more often than success. While dealing with success is generally relatively easy, dealing with failure is hard and so learning the tools I needed to help me deal with failure was such an important part of this process.
I started putting unnecessary pressure on myself because I felt like if I reverted or failed, all of my successes would have been for nothing. It’s embarrassing to admit when you’ve made a mistake or failed at something. Failure, however, holds important lessons if you’re willing to look for them and make changes based on what you learn. You have to set aside your ego but so much growth can come from it.
I’ve been feeling pretty good about my life for over a year now. Once I returned from Spain in December 2022 after writing about my past, I found a pretty happy life waiting for me and it has gotten better and better as time has gone on. That’s not to say that it’s all been easy, it certainly hasn’t been.
I’ve struggled finding work which has been frustrating. Mostly, however the road has gotten rocky when I’ve become complacent. Complacent about my recovery. Complacent about where I am in life. Complaceny that keeps me from remembering a cold hard truth about life; it’s brutal and unrelenting.
That complacency has and probably will again cause trouble for me. There’s a balance I still seek. A balance between living a peaceful, happy life and staying diligent about my mental health. I haven’t found a way to feel at peace while also feeling confident that my boundaries are in place and well protected.
I am either on high alert which protects my boundaries and keeps me on top of my mental health game or I’m at peace but to truly feel that peace I have to let go which, in theory, weakens the security of my boundaries.
To find the true peace I crave I must find a way to trust myself to let my boundaries run on autopilot so I’m protected without having to be constantly “on duty”. The moments of peace that I feel when I have briefly trusted myself, fuels my desire to solve this problem because on the other side lies one of my main objectives in my healing; peace.
The problem manifests itself by me ignoring problems, or making up things to either make it not seem so bad or to avoid accountability all together. The worst way it manifests itself is when I get defensive and especially when I get defensive with my fiance.
She came into my life at the perfect time and because of her I have grown so much and have a future that I am beyond excited about. She told me once that the two of us shouldn’t ever feel the need to be defensive with one another because we’re a team now and in this life together.
For one thing, having that type of honesty and vision in a relationship is amazing. I feel so fortunate to have her in my life. Secondly, she’s right and that’s what made me realize I should be writing again and ultimately led me to start writing about living in recovery from PTSD.
Learning to trust that she isn’t ever criticizing me but only wanting to make me better will be the foundation I need to avoid becoming defensive in other situations. Listening to another’s view of a situation and really hearing it, paying attention to the differences doesn’t come naturally but is such an important part of life.
Failure is a part of life. I know that I have done a lot of work on my emotions and my mental health over many years and that I’m in a good place in life because of it. No amount of failure can take away the strides I’ve made even if I regress sometimes. I’ve always tried learning from mistakes and it’s time to go back to that approach towards failure as opposed to always putting up a wall. I can’t expect perfection from myself.
I really appreciate everyone who reads these posts. It’s one thing to document what I live with on a daily basis but knowing that people read and take solace or find motivation in my posts pushes me to remain diligent in my own life. It also keeps me humble which helps me maintain control of my emotions and allows me to look at situations more objectively. Thank you for reading. Writing is healing. One Love.
Recovering Through Writing 