Isolation

When I left for Mallorca in May I knew I was fast approaching a crossroads in my life. I had been working on myself for years yet I still was running up against barriers that I simply could not break down. Isolation, accountability and immaturity are a few of the major challenges that I could not overcome. I needed to really step out of my comfort zone and be honest with myself about these problems. Honest about how I wanted the rest of my life to go.

Accepting who I am today

For too long I had been subconsciously awaiting the magic pill that would make everything better. Lazily hoping I’d wake up one day and this all would be gone forever, giving me my old life back. I’ve finally learned what should have been obvious, I don’t want my old life back. I need to understand myself today and forge my happiness within the depths of me today. Accepting of all of my flaws and loving myself for them instead of blindly waiting for them to somehow disappear.

I had to also accept that on some level I would have to live with these things forever. That I would remain immature in some ways and develop the tools to deal with it. That I would still struggle with accountability but would find a way to be conscious of it and mitigate the problem through self awareness and honesty. Isolation will also probably always be something I battle and is the challenge that I have struggled the most to overcome.

Understanding why

In my darkest times I shut myself away from everyone. It didn’t matter who it was. I couldn’t handle interaction with people and the little bit of human contact I did have because it was necessary was excruciating.

I’ve successfully worked my way past that extreme but the need to isolate is still there. I struggle with finding the necessary balance of allowing my mind to feel at ease while enjoying the basic need for real, meaningful, consistent human interaction.

I used to hide from the world when the noise in my head got too loud. Through work and time and practice I’ve realized that I’m not striving to eradicate the need to isolate from my life, I’m looking for balance.

Accepting that the trauma response of isolation is a common defense mechanism was the first step. I thought there was something wrong with me, that I was destined to live in misery because of the powerful pull in my mind of just avoiding the world. Once I understood the mechanism and began to work through it, I was able to find the middle ground where I am today.

That middle ground really isn’t ideal but it is significantly better than it used to be. Where I used to wake up and actively come up with reasons to not leave my apartment that day in order to be able to get out of bed, I now can work through that urge. Those days used to be every day, now they are significantly fewer and fewer all the time, but they are still there.

Frustration of isolation

It sounds cliche, but it’s all about healthy boundaries and tools. Sometimes I wonder if it has actually gotten any better at all or if I have just grown stronger and more capable of pushing aside the urge to isolate. It’s such a confusing situation to live with.

When I’m alone all I want is to be with people. When I’m with people, all I want is to be alone. The latter seems to win more often than the former. When I’m in public or in a situation I don’t control, the stress that it causes in my mind can be exhausting. It’s a non stop churning of pressure that mounts. The pressure is unrelenting and does not subside until I am back home.

It’s so frustrating because I don’t actively do it. I love being out in the world, spending time with people and I really don’t like sitting alone in silence. The only benefit to being alone is the peace in my mind, the lack of noise, the calm. The traumatized mind can’t differentiate, it only knows two gears.

It knows high alert any time I’m not in my safe place. It also knows peace when I am in that place. My safe place, to my traumatized brain is by myself, alone, no threats, no danger. Ironically, isolation is damaging in its own right because it worsens depression.

How it affects my relationships

Isolating does now and probably always will affect my relationships, romantic or otherwise. I’ve already hurt people, people who trusted me and with whom I had pure intentions. Not understanding the damage I was dealing with yet, I treated them poorly. I can’t change that and I feel awful about it. I have to be sure that I don’t cause anyone else pain again because of my own problems. Awareness is key for me. It’s hard for me though. I do crave friends and I do want romance in my life, I just don’t trust myself still.

Acceptance of the situation and a steadfast commitment to live each day singularly as it comes keeps me focused. Part of that acceptance is the reality that if I can’t get to the point where I trust myself with someone else’s emotions, I need to accept that I may just have to be alone for the rest of my life. Acceptance is not acquiescence though. It removes the pressure and allows me to do real, honest work toward the goal of self assurance.

Honesty is key

Honesty with myself and honesty with those close to me is so important. It isn’t easy to admit weakness even though doing so is actually a sign of strength. When I’m able to break the cycle of pushing aside the damage and pretending it isn’t there in order to be who I want to be for someone then I will be on the right path.

When I say pretending, it sounds devious or disingenuous. It sounds like I’m manipulating another person purposely and in effect I am, that’s why people have been hurt. I have been manipulated and it is so hurtful and disorienting. I’ve spent a lot of time beating myself up for doing the same thing to people that I’ve had done to me. The difference, I’ve realized, is that I truly had the best of intentions. That does not in any way comfort those I’ve hurt or make it ok. The realization gave me the ability to start to work my way out of the practice of being someone I’m not. It gives me the ability to be honest with myself and with others.

I’m not the monster that narcissistic manipulators are, breaking people down for their own sick needs. I was just trying to be the good man I know I can be and want to be. I was taking the easy way out though. Not doing the work, not taking the necessary time so I could fix the deep seated problem. Instead I was ignoring the problem and hoping it just wouldn’t reappear. It always did.

Don’t give up

Today I have developed boundaries for others in my life for many aspects of my healing. For this problem I have had to also develop boundaries for myself. When I accept that isolation is part of the damage and that with time I can mitigate it, I can start to move toward more happiness. Honesty with myself and real self awareness about my emotions allows me to not act impulsively. Honesty with others about where I am in my healing journey gives them the understanding to be able to protect themselves and their emotions.

For years I have believed that isolation was a punishment because it felt that way. Once I started to understand that isolation is there to protect me and to protect others from me I was able to start to develop the skills necessary to lessen the need to isolate. It’s a struggle and sometimes its so exhausting I still just withdraw in order to regroup.

The important thing is that I don’t give up. I need to stay focused on the end goal of a happier, more fullfilling life. Understanding the process helps me remain hopeful that one day it will be a lot better. Until that day I will keep my head down. I’ll keep putting in the work and stay honest with myself about who I am so I can eventually be who I know I can be, again.

Thank you for reading. Writing is healing. One Love.