Can the Church regain trust?

Photo by Miguel R Llull

The Catholic Church has long been a beacon of hope and trust to its followers. The Church represents God, Faith and roots to be taught and handed down to generations. The Church, however has had a dark side for as long as it has exsisted.

In 1415 Czech theologian and philosopher Jan Hus was arrested by the Church, charged with heresy and burned at the stake. His actions that led to the charge of heresy? He believed and made his beliefs known, that since the Church was run by humans it was inherently flawed. Of course he was right and his words still ring true today.

I realize that 1415 was a different time that was not nearly as progressive as we are as a society today. That a man was willing to say what was true and was executed for it shows a level of arrogance and fear that never truly left the Church. That arrogance has been on full display within the structure of the Church throughout the current sexual abuse scandals. An arrogance that is unbecoming of any one person, much less the Church.

Betrayal

Arrogance has perpetuated the abuse and has victimized survivors over and over again. From cover ups to the transfers of known predators to the rule of pontifical secrecy. The Church has done more to protect itself than it has to protect its most vulnerable constituents.

When I consider the state of the Church today I think of Jan Hus. At the height of my anger against the Church for my abuse I held the organization to such extreme levels of holiness because that was how it was always presented to me. Eventually I had the realization that the Church, while enormous and divine was still just a worldly entity run by human beings and was therefore inherently flawed. Just as Jan Hus believed so long ago.

This isn’t an indictment of the Church per se. It is, however, an indictment of how the people running the Church have handled the clergy abuse scandal over the years. Decades of betrayal compounded by deceit and arrogance. Victims left to be victimized all over again by the organization that they believed in. The organization that gave their lives meaning and purpose and that has now damaged them irreparably. Predators enabled by humans to abuse again and again out of misplaced duty to the Church and not where their duty belonged, with the people of God who rely on it for spiritual guidance.

Photo by Miguel R Llull

Changes

The Church, the connection to God through men and women of deity is as sacred to believers as God Himself. When the entity betrays its most vulnerable congregants and then refuses to accept full responsibility and in fact creates an environment for it to continue to victimize them, that connection is at best called into question and at worst shattered to pieces.

For the Church to take control of the situation and become, once again, a symbol of hope and trust it would have to first accept that it is inherently flawed. The Church, at it’s highest levels would have to not only denounce the acts of betrayal and criminal attacks on its constituents but take active measures to prevent it from ever happening again.

The Church would have to adopt a zero tolerance policy for any member of clergy or staff who is accused of even the slightest hint of sexual misconduct. Due process is important but any priest or other member of clergy who is accused of such misconduct must be removed from contact with the public immediately.

All previous cases of sexual abuse by priests and members of clergy should be fully investigated by an independent third party to determine if all actors involved in all cases have been removed form contact with the public. This means supervisors who knew and protected the predators. Peers who knew and did nothing to protect the public. Any person involved who did not take basic, appropriate steps to protect the congregations and hold the criminals responsible should be identified and removed from the Church at the very least and held criminally accountable when appropriate.

Going forward, strict guidelines must be put in place to protect the public. An organization as large as the Church cannot prevent predators from slipping through the cracks completely but it can put in place reviews and processes that will identify likely offenders in the ranks and deal with them appropriately. Mandatory reporting of suspicions and review boards to investigate reports would be the very bare minimum.

Additionally, there must be severe punishment for anyone who knowingly aids and abets predatory acts by members of clergy. There have been approximately 17,200 documented cases of sexual abuse by priests in the U.S. alone, most of which could have been prevented had the predators not been enabled to continue their reign of horrors on communities through cover up and protection by other members of clergy.

Photo by Miguel R Llull

Pope Francis ushering in hope for change

Pope Francis has humbly ushered in an era of accountability that we haven’t seen from Church leadership before in regards to the scandal and has made significant changes in how abuse cases will be handled going forward.

The pope has said repeatedly that he takes personal responsibility for cases of abuse by members of the Church and calls the abuse a monstrosity. I find hope in his words denouncing the atrocities that have taken place and in that hope I pray for actionable steps to be put in place to prevent it from happening again. I pray also that the Church follows his lead in comforting those who have already suffered and provide guidance back to Faith for those who have lost it and seek a return to their Faith.

The pope’s stance on the abuses that have happened and the unconscionable cover up that has taken place gives me hope. He has been very vocal in his beliefs in interviews and writings. In December of 2016 Pope Francis penned a letter to his Bishops in which the following excerpt can be found.

“We hear these children and their cries of pain; we also hear the cry of the Church our Mother, who weeps not only for the pain caused to her youngest sons and daughters, but also because she recognizes the sins of some of her members: the sufferings, the experiences and the pain of minors who were abused sexually by priests. It is a sin that shames us. Persons responsible for the protection of those children destroyed their dignity. We regret this deeply and we beg forgiveness. We join in the pain of the victims and weep for this sin. The sin of what happened, the sin of failing to help, the sin of covering up and denial, the sin of the abuse of power. The Church also weeps bitterly over this sin of her sons and she asks forgiveness. Today, as we commemorate the feast of the Holy Innocents, I would like us to renew our complete commitment to ensuring that these atrocities will no longer take place in our midst. Let us find the courage needed to take all necessary measures and to protect in every way the lives of our children, so that such crimes may never be repeated. In this area, let us adhere, clearly and faithfully, to ‘zero tolerance’ “

https://www.vatican.va/content/francesco/en/letters/2016/documents/papa-francesco_20161228_santi-innocenti.html

On August 20, 2018 Pope Francis wrote a letter to the People of God calling on the Church to stand in solidarity with the victims of clerical sexual abuse. Several items in that letter stood out to me.

“It is essential that we, as a Church, be able to acknowledge and condemn, with sorrow and shame, the atrocities perpetrated by consecrated persons, clerics, and all those entrusted with the mission of watching over and caring for those most vulnerable.  Let us beg forgiveness for our own sins and the sins of others.   An awareness of sin helps us to acknowledge the errors, the crimes and the wounds caused in the past and allows us, in the present, to be more open and committed along a journey of renewed conversion.”

https://www.vaticannews.va/en/pope/news/2018-08/pope-francis-letter-people-of-god-sexual-abuse.html

“I am conscious of the effort and work being carried out in various parts of the world to come up with the necessary means to ensure the safety and protection of the integrity of children and of vulnerable adults, as well as implementing zero tolerance and ways of making all those who perpetrate or cover up these crimes accountable.  We have delayed in applying these actions and sanctions that are so necessary, yet I am confident that they will help to guarantee a greater culture of care in the present and future.”

https://www.vaticannews.va/en/pope/news/2018-08/pope-francis-letter-people-of-god-sexual-abuse.html

Apologies and action

As a survivor of clergy abuse I feel very emotional reading his words. Years ago I probably would have become angry reading them. I would have lashed out, claiming that words do nothing, action is needed. Today these words give me hope. Hope that the painstakingly slow process of change has begun. I have long yearned to hear words from the Church resembling this acknowledgment “Persons responsible for the protection of those children destroyed their dignity.”.

Apologies only mean so much and of course action means the most. The words in an apology tell me how sincere the apology actually is. These words tell me a lot. It is lazy to simply decry the actions of a man or woman. To say they acted out of sickness or some other issue, apologize and move on. It was very important for me to hear the acknowledgement of the failed responsibility of protection and the destroyed dignity, destroyed lives.

I have long stated that the Church is held to significantly higher standards of care than any one individual certainly, but even more than any other entity or organization. The people who make up the Church are representatives of God. Our Faith depends on devoted trust to their place in our lives. They are our connection to God and as such, we expect them to live trustworthy lives at the very least.

Hope

The broken trust, trust that was in my case blind as I am sure it is in most cases has been the hardest part of my recovery. Learning to trust fallible humans again has been painstakingly difficult. Learning trust the Church again seemed impossible to me. The hope I have been given through the words and actions of Pope Francis have given me the opportunity to learn to trust again. To trust people and to trust the Church.

Many people will say that he hasn’t done enough. While that is likely true, what he has done and is doing is more than has been done before. These things cannot change over night. Unfortunately, it’s a slow process to change the systematic cloak of protection that has been a part of the inner workings of the Church forever.

I am hopeful that the groundwork is being laid and that real change is on the horizon. When I get skeptical I remember that acknowledgment of the problem is the first step needed for change. This pope has acknowledged what has happened deeply and repeatedly. He has also claimed personal responsibility for the actions of the perpetrators. He has also vowed to begin the process of creating a system that will not allow it to ever happen again.

Pope Francis is quoted as saying “…even one case of abuse in the Church is a monstrosity…”. He’s right and striving to completely eradicate abuse from the Church is the only way to move forward. I hope I can find a place in the process of making these changes.

More from the August 18, 2020 letter from Pope Francis to the People of God

“The extent and the gravity of all that has happened requires coming to grips with this reality in a comprehensive and communal way.  While it is important and necessary on every journey of conversion to acknowledge the truth of what has happened, in itself this is not enough.  Today we are challenged as the People of God to take on the pain of our brothers and sisters wounded in their flesh and in their spirit.  If, in the past, the response was one of omission, today we want solidarity, in the deepest and most challenging sense, to become our way of forging present and future history.  And this in an environment where conflicts, tensions and above all the victims of every type of abuse can encounter an outstretched hand to protect them and rescue them from their pain (cf. Evangelii Gaudium, 228).  Such solidarity demands that we in turn condemn whatever endangers the integrity of any person.  A solidarity that summons us to fight all forms of corruption, especially spiritual corruption.  The latter is “a comfortable and self-satisfied form of blindness.  Everything then appears acceptable: deception, slander, egotism and other subtle forms of self-centeredness, for ‘even Satan disguises himself as an angel of light’ (2 Cor 11:14)” (Gaudete et Exsultate, 165).  Saint Paul’s exhortation to suffer with those who suffer is the best antidote against all our attempts to repeat the words of Cain: “Am I my brother’s keeper?” (Gen 4:9).”

https://www.vaticannews.va/en/pope/news/2018-08/pope-francis-letter-people-of-god-sexual-abuse.html

Am I my brother’s keeper?

Photo by Brett Jordan on Pexels.com

I think his inclusion of Genesis 4:9 is significant. I certainly do not believe that the predators who worked their way into the Church and used their places in society to exact horrific traumas on the youngest and most vulnerable people in the congregations deserve any leniency at all. They are the root problem as they are the ones who committed such disgusting and unconscionable acts.

However, if not for the enabling and protection by other members of the clergy the overall enormity of the scandal could have been lessened. Had they adhered to the words of Cain in Genesis 4:9. “Am I my brother’s keeper?” countless people could have been protected if they had simply considered where their responsibility truly rested. The answer would have to have been a resounding yes and those predators would have been stopped. The scandal would have been minimized, the damage done to the Church lessened and most importantly, the lives of innocent children and vulnerable adults would have been preserved.

The future of the Church and the trust which it garners from the people depends on Genesis 4:9. The people who need protecting are the people of God, the flock, the followers looking to the Church for spiritual guidance. When everyone in the Church understands this and adheres to it, people will begin to trust again.

Writing is healing. One Love.

Kindness after self destructive behavior

Photo by Miguel R Llull

Learning kindness after self destructive behavior isn’t easy. Looking back on my life it’s clear that I have always been very hard on myself. Whether I am challenging myself to be “normal” and do all the things that everyone else can do despite my physical limitations or punishing myself with self loathing and alcohol. I have never been kind to myself. I have never cut myself slack, until now.

The idea of treating myself well, being kind to myself was never really something I considered. I think I just never realized how hard I was on myself and how damaging that is. Not only was I living in world where I will never be enough, I created that world. Therapy taught me this but it took years of banging my head against the wall to finally realize that I created the circumstances and I was the only one who could change them.

Challenging myself to keep up with other people physically is not necessarily bad. It would be defeatist to simply accept that I am incapable of something without trying. That is not the part that is detrimental to my mental and physical health. Ignoring the pain, suffering the consequences of trying to keep up with others repeatedly and not taking care of my body is the destructive behavior.

Truths I’ve never told

It isn’t brave or inspiring. I have literally punished my body because I hated that it was incapable of what others could do. I have always been encouraged to try anything, to do what I can. My doctors and my family have never held me back and I appreciate that. It’s been me that has been my own worst enemy. I have turned that positive support into something negative.

I never cared that I was hurting myself. It didn’t matter to me that I was causing fractures in my leg or that tumors would form. The extreme pain that I would suffer from pushing myself was only a reminder of how much I hated my body and in a sick way it felt good to punish myself. When my actions resulted in surgery, again, I didn’t care. It was a disturbing form of self loathing that I never realized I was doing until recently.

I’ve said many times that my life always just felt normal to me. What I have dealt with physically was really all I knew so I never really took the time to understand how different it was. I never considered how much I was damaging myself physically and mentally by just trying to live a “normal” life.

Medicating to deal with the pain. Ignoring doctor orders after surgery. I remember one time, two days after surgery to remove tumors and shore up the support of the bone in my lower leg I was in the garage lifting weights. I couldn’t just rest, I couldn’t stand that I was told I needed to take time off and let my body heal. It didn’t end well. I broke staples holding the wound closed and bled all over the place. I have a body that needs and deserves kindness from me and I have never given it that.

Trying to escape the mental anguish of trauma

Once I began to isolate due to depression, I turned from physical punishment to not caring about the damage I would do to myself by drinking, heavily. I remember sitting alone in my apartment for long stretches of time. Blinds drawn all day long so it would be dark, sitting in my chair in silence and just drinking vodka. A lot of vodka. I don’t think I wanted to get drunk or liked the the taste that much. Likely I needed to escape from the mental anguish I suffered. I knew there would be consequences, potentially irreversible consequences but I didn’t care.

At the time, my past abuse was no longer sitting idle in the back of my mind. This was when it started to manifest itself in ways that I couldn’t ignore. I was scared of what I was feeling, terrified really. Even with a support group, I felt so alone. I couldn’t deal with what was happening and instead of asking for help, I drank.

It would be years still before I chose to take my life back. Years before I understood the depths of my trauma or the deep pain I was in under the surface. Looking back on those days now I can clearly see that I was in so much mental misery over what was beating me up inside that I was just trying to quiet the noise. I was drowning my pain in alcohol and the fact that it was injurious to my body didn’t matter to me at all.

Paying for the behavior

Today I pay for those times. My liver is damaged from heavy drinking although I am fortunate that I caught it in time and the effects shouldn’t hinder my life too much in the future. Thinking about those days in my dark, stuffy apartment make me sad. It’s sad to me that I resorted to such destructive behavior. I know that I was so lost and confused by the emotions I was feeling, I just didn’t have the tools to deal with them appropriately. I wanted to not feel, to be numb so I drank to block out the pain. It worked, temporarily, but of course that behavior is not sustainable and solves no problems.

I have learned to love and appreciate every bit of me. That’s not say that I don’t still get frustrated when my body lets me down or when my mind can’t process things. In those times I try to respond with kindness instead of punishment now. Kindness to my body that has been beat up pretty good over the years and kindness to my mind.

Lesson learned

The lesson here is that self destructive behavior is always indicative of something. It’s also very difficult to see the behavior as destructive at the time, it just feels like surviving. If you’re able to step back, even for a moment and see the behavior for what it is, try to understand why. The why will show you how to break the cycle and put you on the path to healing. Above all else though, be kind to yourself. You’ve suffered more than most but never as much as others. Be grateful for the life that you do have and that will help you focus on your positive traits. Thats not to suggest you ignore the challenges in your life but the positives will help you address the challenges and move past them.

Writing is healing. One Love.

The time pain almost broke me

Photo by Dayvison de Oliveira Silva on Pexels.com

I recently found something I journaled when I was in the middle of dealing with a herniated disk and pinched nerve in my neck almost 5 years ago.  The pain from the injury was 24/7 and was relentless.  The medication that helped me be even remotely comfortable had some horrible side effects and the whole situation nearly broke me.  

I read through what I wrote and felt that it would make a good blog post because I am sure that there are people that can relate to what I was feeling on top of the other chronic pain that I suffer from.

The following is an excerpt from my journal I was keeping during that time. When I wrote it I was in a very dark place, desperate almost. Days and nights blended together and I was a prisoner in my own apartment.

***January 2018***

As far back in my life as I can remember I have dealt with pain.  So much so that as I’ve gotten older and spent time really doing some deep soul searching, trying to get to the root cause of my short comings I can now draw a direct line from most of them to pain.

The problem with pain is that it is unseen.  You may see a scar or a bruise.  You may see a prosthetic or a cast, crutches or a sling or any other type of outwardly visible sign that pain may or may not exist, but you can’t see the pain.

Pain can overwhelm you.  Pain takes control of your mind without you even realizing it.  Chronic pain kills people; it drives them into the depths of despair until they can see no other way to rid themselves of their persistent menace but to end their lives.  In death they are finally free of the relentless iron grip of pain.

I feel like I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.  It’s subconscious,  developed over years of being in pain.   I’m not some extraordinarily tough guy, but when every day of your life includes a certain level of pain, you learn to live with it without realizing it.  

Pain was always a part of my life

Pain has been in my life forever.  When something is normal for you, especially when you are a young child, you just accept it as the norm.  As a matter of a fact, looking back on my youth, I believe that as a kid dealing with pain I just assumed that all of my friends were too.  I never considered myself to be any different from any of them.  My doctors always encouraged that, my family encouraged that and I just lived that.

9 years old during the process of lengthening both long bones in my left leg. You can see the apparatus that was stretching the bones slowly over 6 weeks.

If my friends were playing a sport, I was playing that sport.  If my friends were running a 5K, so was I.  I never felt like I looked any different or was any different than them.  I was never a top athlete, but man did I love to compete. 

As I have grown up, I’ve seen some pictures and videos of myself back in those days and honestly I was horrified by what I saw.  The extreme limp when I ran.  The horribly pronounced bowing of the femur in my left leg, I was crooked.  At the time I literally had no idea that I looked like that.  To me I looked like all the other guys that I saw from my own perspective.  I give a ton of credit to all of my friends in grammar school of whom some I am still very close to today.  

The disease caused “bowing” of the bones in my leg as you can see in these pictures. I believe these are from around 1987.

I can vividly remember a few times when I was made fun of, called peg leg or something stupid.  Each time one of my friends would stand up for me (Bob, John, Cass, George, Rob to name a few).  I also give them credit for playing sports right beside me and never treating me as less than any of them.  The bar to perform was set and I had to meet it, just like them.

The entire time, though…I was in pain.  My young mind had already begun to hide the pain away wherever it needed to so that I could function and not suffer.  Looking back now, I can clearly see early manifestations of chronic pain when I think about school.  

School work suffered

I was never good in school even though I am relatively intelligent and I truly do love to learn.  Focusing in class or at home doing homework was nearly impossible.  I could never sit and study and stay on task.  I know now that pain, chronic pain severely affects your ability to focus on things.  It’s as if your brain only has the capacity to hold so much information and to be able to process only so much stimuli.  The brain takes up so much of its RAM, to put it in computer terms, processing and dealing with pain every day that there is a very limited amount of brain power left to do school work or, as I got older, actual work.

Chronic pain takes away your ability to concentrate.  I didn’t realize that until I was much older.  Knowing that is great, it sheds a huge spotlight on a lot of frustrations I had growing up wondering why I can’t focus.  Why can’t I get the grades I want, that I know I am capable of?  I realize this sounds like an excuse and that is what it looks like to people who don’t know.  Why?  Because pain cannot be seen and those who deal with chronic pain do not advertise it, so on the exterior there is the perception that nothing is wrong while on the inside there is a 24 hour a day non stop battle raging by your mind and body to make sure that you can get through the day and most importantly, appear normal…like nothing is wrong.

Pain is invisible.  It is the strangest phenomenon a person can encounter. I sit in the office of a Dr whom I have never met, who is not intimately familiar with my medical history.  The Dr is rightfully cynical wondering if I am exaggerating or if I am telling it like it is.  Dr’s see so many patients who come to them, especially in the ER, who are lying, simply trying to get prescribed pain meds.  I ran into this only a few weeks ago.

A brand new source of pain

As I write this I am suffering new pain.  I live with and am relatively used to the pain in my leg but now I am dealing with some of the worst and most relentless pain I have ever experienced from a herniated disk in my neck that is putting pressure on two nerves that feed in to my left arm.  The pain does not stop, no change of position or home remedy makes the slightest difference, and it is horrible.  (I wrote this in early 2018 prior to surgery to repair the disk.  I am fully recovered 3 years later but have lasting numbness in my left arm and fingers and lingering weakness in that same arm).

The pain from the disk is new to me.  The origin of the pain is the disk in my neck but the pain is manifesting itself by obstructing nerves that come out of the spinal column providing feeling, function, and life.

I have experienced many forms of pain but in my opinion the worst kind is the pain that never leaves you.  The relentless attack on your mind by your own body.

I really have to try to understand all of this.  Pain is not only physical, the actual physical manifestation of pain.  Pain will break you mentally.  Dr’s prescribe drugs designed to stem the flow of physical pain but those drugs are ungodly.  As I write this, every letter I put on the paper is a blur.  Everything in my apartment is a blur.  My entire world is as if I am looking through glasses whose lenses are glazed over.  My fine motor skills are leaving me, I will only be able to write for so long before the tremors start again and I wont be able to hold back the pain.

The scariest part of all of this to me happened this morning.  I woke up with no memory of the previous day after 10 am.  When I woke up I noticed that my face had been shaved with a razor, I never shave with a blade.  There was blood on my water bottle and on my towel and on a glass in the kitchen.

I think I must have cut my finger on the blade but I have no memory of it.  After checking my phone call log I saw that I had spoken to Kaiser in Redwood City at 2:20 pm for 6 minutes but I have no memory of that conversation.  I saw in my texts that I had messaged my mom after that phone call to tell her that my surgery had been rescheduled for the following week from 1:00 pm to 8:30 am.  I have no recollection of any of this.

Medication was worse than the injury

I don’t know if they gave me instructions or steps I need to take in preparation for the surgery.  All of what I just described is really scary to me, to lose track of an entire day.  This was all caused by a medication I was taking to help stop the nerve pain called Gabapentin.  In my experience it is a horrible drug. Perhaps it works well for some under the right circumstances. I would rather suffer the full affects of the pain than ever take that drug again. 

All of the medications I was on during this time.

I feel like a prisoner in my own body due to the drugs I’ve been taking.   It feels as if I have been taken over from the inside. My mind and body are slowly breaking down, slowly giving up on me.  All of this because of pain, I don’t understand how people live like this.

Before taking any medication for this pain I felt desperate. I needed the pain to stop, even for just a minute.  I was desperate for help.  The first day of uncontrollable pain was Sunday January 7 (2018).  Today is Wednesday January 31 (2018).  24 days of choosing between the despair of relentless pain or taking so many pills that my life had in effect ended and I had been taken over by the vile affects of these drugs.  I still have seven more days of this hell, the mental and physical challenge of a lifetime.

By the time that I lay down on the OR table in seven days I will have endured 31 days of this misery.  31 days of my life gone.  Time with my daughter, gone.  31 days during which the few moments of clarity have opened my eyes to all of my faults and all of my fears, shortcomings and vices.  

God’s plan for me

I believe in God. I believe that God challenges us in strange and sometimes brutal ways. He has His reasons why and it is left up to us to see the light and follow His lead.  God wouldn‘t put me through all of this if he weren’t desperate for me to wake up. To take control of my life and be a man that I can be proud of.

He needs me to live a life of integrity; He needs me to lead and to lead specifically by example.  To live the right life and do the right thing, always.  To resist evil and to overcome my demons.  God is begging me to listen to Him; He is showing me the way.  God wants me to feel the purity of a strong, healthy body and mind.  Clarity, serenity, honesty.  Not just honesty but honesty with myself.  He needs me to stop lying to myself, be honest with myself about where I am in my life, what I need to do to get out of where I am and to be the dad, friend, brother, cousin and son that I am.

I need to start believing my worth, stand up for myself and stop destructive behavior, stop altering my mind.  Be true to myself, face my demons, and believe in myself.  I have to stop feeling like the other shoe is always seconds away from dropping.

***

I’m glad I found this; I had forgotten that I had written it.  In those dark days with that bulging disk, writing was one way I tried to keep my sanity. At the time it was the most challenging month of my life.  A lot of the sentiments that I expressed still ring true for me today. Re-writing it has helped me remember the misery that I got through. It has also shown me that I still have a lot of work to do.  It is a reminder that I am resilient and that I can and do overcome. I’m glad I wrote it all in the journal that night. It’s a good reflection on where I have been and it gives me hope for tomorrow.

Writing is healing. One Love.

Overcoming the turmoil in my mind

For most of my life I presented to the world who I felt like I was supposed to be. I wasn’t doing it on purpose, I didn’t even know I was doing it. I actually thought I was that person. I lacked identity and there was significant turmoil brewing just below the surface of my life. That turmoil would eventually throw me into the downward spiral that I’ve been documenting on this blog.

In hindsight I know that I was battling myself, I was literally pretending to be someone I wasn’t. I pretended to be a good hearted person. Someone that I could respect and that other people would like and want to be around because that’s who my heart wanted me to be. Inside however, I was destroyed. It was only a matter of time until that cauldron of boiling emotions took over my life.

Trauma restricts your growth

Trauma alters the course of identity evolution and undermines existing identity commitments . It can set you back years in the development of who you are or even freeze you in time where you were when the trauma occurred. For me, I’ve suffered from severe immaturity most of my adult life. For long stretches of time I’ve been able to pretend that I’ve matured normally but eventually it always caught up to me.

I wish that I could have understood what was happening inside me at a much earlier age. Knowing what was truly going on inside would have allowed me to avoid making some horrible mistakes and prevented me from hurting some people. Since it wasn’t possible to take that other path, I’m left to use those incidents as learning opportunities to grow from.

Lacking accountability

It’s all difficult to process because it’s as if I’m reinventing myself. I’ve felt like I need to relearn how to live at times. Its a strange dynamic. I’m almost 50 years old yet there are times when I don’t feel like I have the capacity to understand serious adults things, like an adolescent might. At times I haven’t faced up to real problems because I didn’t know how but since I’m as old as I am, I felt the need to let on that I know how. That’s one of the curses of pretending that you’re ok. People expect normal responses from you and you fear that if they see the true you they won’t respect you anymore.

The work I’ve done so far has been beneficial in reducing these incidents as I now have tools to deal with my immaturity. The most important tool is self accountability. For as critical as it has been for my growth, developing an understanding of the importance of holding myself accountable hasn’t been easy. In the past when I’ve been faced with a situation that’s hard for me to deal with I would ignore it and hope it just disappears or I’d hope that someone else would solve the problem for me. Accountability helps me face these challenges head on.

Learning to respect myself

Self accountability equates to self respect. I used to believe that if it was just me who would suffer consequences from my actions then it was fine. Lacking respect for myself, I felt like I deserved punishment any way, so why try to fight it. That alone was a huge barrier that I had to get past in order to start to heal.

Today I do have respect for myself. I know I’ve suffered but my self respect comes from how I’ve persevered through every trial. I found that I had some of the same attributes as others who I felt were impressive in their resiliency. That has helped me start to see myself in a different light. It showed me that I’m a good person and helped me realize that I no longer had to pretend that I was someone I really wasn’t.

I finally felt free to show the world exactly who I am on the inside, knowing that my real growth would take off once I was brave enough to do so. For so long I felt the need to be perfect, to never make mistakes and to be strong through everything life threw at me. This was exhausting and unrealistic. It would be impossible for anyone to accomplish perfection in life yet for some reason I was holding myself to that ridiculous standard even though I held no one else to it.

Believing I need to be perfect was really just all of my insecurities rolled into one thought. I feared that I would be looked down on for mistakes. That fear told me that anyone important in my life would leave me if I failed or made mistakes. I had no self worth. No belief in my value to myself or others so I pretended to be someone I could respect. It was debilitating.

Finding my voice

This format, this blog is what has set me free. It’s why I end every post with “writing is healing” because writing is literally healing me. Confessing my insecurities and all of my truths no matter how embarrassed I am of them has changed my life. Because of this I’ve found purpose, a drive to foster change in the world and to help others.

Most importantly I have found belief in myself. I respect myself and I know I have value. Value to me, my family, my friends, my community and the world. I’ve always wanted to write a blog about something but the ideas I’ve had never inspired much creativity in me. A conversation I had with the mother of a dear friend who passed unexpectedly over the summer inspired me to take this path. I will be eternally grateful to her for those encouraging words.

I’m finally me, not some person I’m pretending to be. I’m finally proud of who I am, shortcomings and all. Looking forward to everything that life has in store for me is new and exciting. That’s not to say that I don’t and won’t still struggle but I own that part of me now. There is peace and hope in that.

Writing is healing, One Love.

I want to help

Going through this process of healing has certainly been a roller coaster. There have been some ups and significantly more downs and I’m sure there will be a lot more of both still. As difficult as the down times have been, I have emerged from every one of them stronger than before. This is where I find my strength to help others.

I understand, beyond a doubt just how hopeless it feels when you are going through this hell. You feel isolated, misunderstood, helpless and hopeless. You feel as though no one can help. Either because no one understands or you don’t have the strength to tell anyone just how damaged and hurt you feel. I know, I understand and I can help others see that there’s always a light at the end of the tunnel.

I see myself as an advocate. I want to be an advocate for survivors. To be a voice for them when they can’t use theirs. I also want to help them find their voice when they are ready to. I also want to advocate for Faith. To be a voice of reason when anger takes over reasoning. When the hurt is too much to bear and the Church is the source of that hurt, I want to help people see that their Faith remains regardless. Show them that they can accept faith back on their terms. Help them see that their road to a healthy mind, to recovery can be made smoother through their Faith.

I want to tell my story of perseverance through struggle to groups. I want to field questions and have honest conversations with victims and their loved ones. I want to have similar conversations with groups and individuals who have lost their trust in the Church, in religion and in God. Additionally, I want to have those same honest conversations with the Church.

I want to help to hold the Church to the highest standards of conservatorship. The parishioners all over the world deserve nothing less. I want to help rebuild the trust in the Church in the only way possible, over time and through complete transparency. I want to help advise the Church. I want them to hear my experience and know that I think the Church could have handled my situation better and in turn learn ways to better support survivors and their families. I want to help the Church to understand that just because there may be legal complications due to lawsuits etc that it still bears a responsibility to help the victims deal with the confusion and betrayal of their Faith in the overall process.

Ultimately I want to use my voice, my platform to first and foremost protect and support survivors and their families. Secondly, I see a fantastic opportunity for me to be a part of the healing of the Church also. Faith is such a big part of life and how to work through the trials and tribulations that life brings. It made things more difficult for me not having my Faith to guide me at first. I want to work to prevent other survivors from having to go through.

I am determined to use my voice that was silenced so long ago and for so long. Writing for this blog is the first step, finding the right situation to do the most good is next. Writing is healing, One Love.

Faith renewed through the Bible

Closeup of holy bible with eyeglasses on

Because my trauma stems from being abused by a priest and the betrayal I felt by the Church and God, I lost my faith early on in the process of coping with what happened. I was angry, confused and lost. I felt that there was no way that I would ever let God or the Church back into my life.

Time passed and my struggles only got worse. In some of my darkest days I would sit by myself and try to make sense of what was happening. I would try to rationalize my feelings and my life in general. I was very overwhelmed and in trying to take some sort of control of my life, I would lament my lack of faith. One day I realized that it was me who was putting this restriction on my life. I was the one who chose to leave God and religion and the Church in my past. It was the first time that I thought that I needed to restore my faith.

As detailed in this previous post about the role of faith in my healing, it would be years before I actually did allow God and the Church back in. ( https://wp.me/p4rm8Q-14 ) Before that time, I explored all types of faith and religion. I was still pushing back against catholicism but wanted desperately to find faith, knowing that faith would help me through these trials.

I researched Buddism, Judaism, Islam and even Rastafarianism. While they are powerful anchors to God, none felt like they belonged to me. It turns out that finding out about these other religions was good for me. It started my path back to God and it showed me that my heart truly did rest in Catholicism.

Over the years I searched out bible verses that I could look to for strength. Verses that spoke to what I was going through in general and remind me of the power of Christ’s love. This was not easy for me. I have never been able to understand the bible. The way it’s written has always confused me and I haven’t been able to make much sense of the writings much less garner anything from the teachings.

In time I found a few verses that really spoke to me. They strengthened me and helped get me through some hard times. For this post, I’m writing about these verses. About where I was in my journey when I found them and how they directly affected my healing and still do today.

Isaiah 43:1-5

Do not be afraid.  I will save you.  I have  called you by name-you are mine.  When you pass through deep waters, I am with you. Your troubles will not overwhelm you.  When you pass through fire you will not be burned.  The hard trials that come will not hurt you.  For I am the Lord your God.

This was the first verse that really made me feel God’s presence was still in my life even though I had tossed Him aside. Throughout this journey I have felt so alone. Even when people I love were supportive and wanting to help, I felt completely isolated and on my own. I appreciate all of the offers of help and understanding and the love but the fact remained that I felt that as much as they intended good, they had no way of truly understanding or helping me. I felt like I was on an island and no one was coming for me.

Isaiah 43 reminded me that I was never alone. That in my darkest times God was sitting with me, comforting me. What really struck me through this realization was that I had forsaken Him, yet He never left my side even though I had shunned Him. This verse was proof that I was on the right path. It showed me that God was always there and that I had made it to this point through His love and grace. I knew I needed to accept Him going forward.

My troubles did not go away and in some ways got worse. Reading this verse helped me remember that I would make it through it all with Him guiding me. I could literally feel His power in my darkest times. After abandoning Him, how could I not believe in His grace now that I was accepting Him.

James 1:2-3 and Romans 5:4

Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.-James 1:23 Perseverance, character and character, hope-Romans 5:4

I place these two together because they really taught me the importance of actively persevering through my trials. Perseverance is a very important part of life. When you are challenged as I have been, it becomes critical. I’ve mentioned in previous posts that there were many times early on when I felt that there was no hope.

Understanding that hope would come through perseverance was very important for me. When I was feeling hopeless I had no idea how I could ever find hope. Locked away alone, lamenting just how painful life had become it was impossible for me to see hope. Believing in God’s grace and restoring my faith showed me the path to hope.

These passages taught me that I simply needed to not give up. That I needed to endure these tribulations and trust that God would not put me through anything that I was incapable of rising above with His guidance. Perseverance did show me the light at the end of the tunnel, the hope I desperately needed. Hopelessness was a sign that I was not allowing God in my life. My faith and trust in God allowed me to persevere when I don’t believe I could have without HIm. My faith is strengthened now every day allowing me to continue to stay the course.

Romans 12:12

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer

Beginning with this passage, the next three are ones that I look to daily now for guidance and as reminders of God’s grace. Each day is still hard to get through. It isn’t easy to get out of bed sometimes, I feel like I can’t face the day. Some days I just can’t get out of a bad mood and I feel like I won’t know how to break that cycle.

Romans 12:12 reminds me to breathe during these times. That I must look to God and that He will show me the way through the trials. I like how short and to the point it is. It’s simple in words yet powerful in message. It reminds me that I do have immense hope in my life and that patience is necessary to remember that this too shall pass. Prayer during the hard times will center me and bring me to a place of peace in my day.

1 Peter 5:10

And after you have suffered, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen and establish you.

This passage was the first time I realized that my suffering will not be forever because it clearly states “After you have suffered”. For the longest time I believed that this anguish would never end. I felt like this is who I am, that I am meant to suffer and that is just how it will be. This defeatist attitude was soul crushing for me because I am, at heart, an optimist. Seeing no good in my future, only more suffering, was hard to accept.

Faith assures me that He will bring me back to myself. As the passage says, He will restore me, He will confirm, strengthen and establish me. Understanding and believing this is something I rely on daily now. I try to read this passage at least once a day although I’m not great at remembering to do so. It is important to know that when this is over it will be Him that ends it. It will be Him that strengthens me to be the survivor that He expects me to be.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Praise be to God, the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our troubles so that we may comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we receive from God

This passage was when I first started to realize that my suffering is for a greater good. As I mentioned in the previous paragraph, God expects much of me as a survivor of these struggles. He expects me to receive His comfort and understand it. I have a calling to live in His comfort and provide that comfort to others who suffer as I have.

I have mentioned several times throughout these posts that I refuse to accept that I have suffered for no reason. That I believe wholeheartedly that I am meant to take what I have learned about suffering and surviving and use it to help others. 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 is when I first realized this.

This passage showed me that I have been called by God. That He had not chosen to punish me. He had chosen me because He believes in my ability to rise above the struggles and help others who suffer. This gives me purpose. It gives me energy and drive and it gives me hope.

One Love

My Peace

I was born on an island, the island of Mallorca, the largest of the Islas Baleares in Spain. I think it’s pretty incredible that just being born on an island puts that vibe into your blood. Island flows within me, I breathe it and live it and even though I spent 40 years away from it, it was beckoning to me my entire life. My peace has always been there, waiting for me to find it.

For as long as I can remember I have been drawn to islands. Before I could plan and execute a trip for myself I would dream of islands. I remember fantasizing about walking with my feet in the water. The sand compressing under my feet and the sweet scent of the sea on the warm breeze surrounding me. Palm trees lining the streets and the easy pace of life that I imagined would be evident. I’ve always known that an island would be my peace, I really don’t know why it took so long to get back to it.

Moving to the USA

I left my island when I was only one year old. We packed up and moved to California and I have zero complaints about the life that the move afforded me and my family. I am so proud of and impressed with my parents for making that move, how scary it must have been. The uncertainty alone must have been so overwhelming. We returned to Mallorca for a vacation when I was three years old and then I didn’t come back for forty years. I have very vivid memories of that trip when I was a toddler, even though they may be due to home movies more than anything.

One thing I know stuck with me and could not have been the function of a home movie or a story I was told is a very specific scent. The smell of a Mallorcan breakfast treat cooking, the ensaimada. Today, if I walk down the street in the morning in the beach town I’m living in I will catch a whiff of the sweet smell of the ensaimada and it stops me in my tracks. It conjures up far off, deep emotions and I am immediately transported back to my youth.

My return to the island

When I returned to Mallorca for the first time in 40 years I really didn’t know what to expect. I was meeting my brother and his family in a small beach town during their vacation and I was excited about that. I had family here, I knew their names but I did’nt know them and I was nervous.

From the moment I landed and was met by my aunt and uncle and very close family friends it was like a whirlwind. I was trying to take it all in and remember every sight, sound and scent but it was overwhelming. I just decided to let them guide me and show me where I am from and it turned out to be the right thing to do. Now, when I return and I take my first deep breath of the island air, my lungs are filled with happiness. I feel the island being injected into my bloodstream through my lungs. It’s invigorating and relaxing and peaceful.

How things have changed

Five years after that initial return, I now have an apartment here in Mallorca a quick two minute walk from the beach. I want to be clear, I love it here and this is where I want to live out my life. Right now however it’s not where I want to be but it turns out it is where I need to be. I hate every minute of being 6000 plus miles away from my daughter but the healing that has happened while I’ve been here could not have happened anywhere else.

Mallorca is a paradise, the beaches are gorgeous and the old towns are like fantasy. The sunsets are mind blowing and are better every night. The pictures you see do not come close to showing the charm and divine beauty that it holds within. I know how fortunate I am to have such a deep, genetic tie to this island. What I have learned over the last six months of living here more than anything is that the beauty it holds goes much deeper than the surface for me.

The island’s role in finding my peace

It’s no secret that I have struggled a lot in my life. In recent years the struggles have been more acute and frightening. I decided to come to Mallorca mostly because I can afford to live here on my retirement. It would give me an opportunity to get my life together. No scrambling to find a place to sleep every night. No added stress about the cost of living in Northern California or living outside of my means. I needed to find a way to get my head on straight and find some peace. Living under those pressures was not allowing it, they were making things significantly worse.

I came here to settle things down. To live a somewhat normal life. To understand my strengths and my weaknesses and find a way to live within my capabilities. I needed to take a good hard look at myself and to stop wallowing in self pity over my circumstances. Today, I am proud of the progress I’ve made but it hasn’t come easily.

There have been very difficult, very low times here. Lot’s of tears and loneliness and fear. Uncertainty that fuels anxiety and I shut down. What I found in those times was that my peace was just down the road, at the beach.

Where I go for peace

When times are hard I walk to the beach, sit on a bench on the promenade and breathe. I take in the sights and sounds. I smell the fresh sea breeze and watch the people from all over the word walk by. My peace comes in the form of the sounds of the small waves lapping the shore. The seagulls squawking as they fly past searching for an unsuspecting tourist to dive bomb for their food. I feel peace in the palm trees over head lining the walkways, swaying in the wind.

At times I feel overwhelmed or sad and it helps to sit on the bench. I have sat there for hours at times and sometimes it takes that long for the peace to envelope me. Sometimes my peace is elusive. I get stuck in my head and I need to find a way to be present. Allowing myself to feel it all on the shores of the Mediterranean Sea is how I am centered. It’s where my future comes into focus and it is where I have real, honest peace.

The view from the bench where I sit to find peace

My peaceful spot at sunset

The next step in my growth is going to be to find a way to be in that place of peace when I am back in California, after all I can’t walk down to my bench on the beach. Maybe I can find it somewhere along the shores of the Pacific. Maybe it will just remain in my mind and I’ll be able to access it through meditation. I know I’ll find a way to replicate the feeling of peace and live in it even when I’m not on my island. This knowledge gives me hope and hope is what keeps me moving forward.

Thank you for reading, One Love.

How trauma affects my chronic pain

As a trauma survivor, my mind is always in survival mode. My protection mechanisms are always activated. Ready to fight or run or do whatever it takes to survive. The problem with this is that it isn’t always necessary. Not every situation I’m in requires me to be on alert. The damage done to my nervous system by abuse creates that need as I can’t be trusted to react appropriately when and if the situation presents itself.

Living in survival mode is mentally exhausting. It’s why when I finally go out in a public place to a party or gathering or even just grocery shopping, I’m constantly planning my escape back to a safe place. I could be out for only a couple of hours but I will feel exhausted. Drained as if I spent days without sleep. The mind can only tolerate so much, mine takes on double duty.

Living with chronic physical pain

I have previously written about the bone disease I have and the chronic pain I suffer from because of it. I used to be able to handle that physical pain, I could push it aside, work around it or just go right through it. In time it became subconscious. I would know the pain was there but my mind would put it in the proper place so that I could get through my days.

I didn’t realize that my physical pain and my trauma protections would end up battling each other for bandwidth in my brain. When I started to really work on my trauma and truly understand the way my mind processes everything I noticed that it seemed like my physical pain was getting worse.

It took me some time to realize it wasn’t getting worse, my brain was just not dealing with it as well anymore. I was asking so much of my mind to help me through my trauma recovery that it had to push out the pain management that was always ongoing in the back of my mind.

This has been a very hard and confusing part of the process for me to deal with. I have never let my physical pain stop me from doing anything. If it was going to be hard from a pain perspective it pushed me to want to do it even more. I didn’t realize that pushing through the pain was made significantly easier because my mind was doing a lot of the work for me, behind the scenes.

It has been very frustrating and humbling to accept that I can’t physically do many things that I love to do anymore. I used to love to hike in the hills around my home, I looked forward to weekend hikes. I loved going to Lake Tahoe and exploring on foot or walking for hours around an old European town. These things always cause more pain but I could tolerate it and it was always well worth the experience.

Now I simply have to not do these things. Notice I didn’t say I can’t do these things. I still refuse to accept I can’t do something, instead I have to choose not to do them. I’m sure that a big part of the decline physically is my age although I feel stronger at 48 that I ever have.

An X-ray of the lower part of my left leg. You can see deformations in the bone throughout as well as the obvious plate and screws holding it together.

The bone disease I have, echondromatosis (described in this previous post https://wp.me/p4rm8Q-1o ) is the main reason for the decline. I’ve always known that as I got older it would become more of a burden. It came on quickly though. Coupled with the fact that I am as active as I am in the gym, I never would have thought that it would be this soon. Having to already experience such a steep decline in my ability to do things without risking injury and without so much pain is very hard to accept.

I no longer hike and that wears on me. It really was something I loved to do and I have had to accept that it is a part of my past. I can still take walks around old cities but I have to bring a cane with me and use it at the first sign that I’ve done too much. If I know I’m going to spend a day on my feet, I have to plan out my days before and after. Before, I need to rest up as if I am saving steps for the day on my feet. And after because I will need time to recover from that day. I have to avoid surfaces like cobblestone or grassy fields, dirt or anything uneven.

It’s those days when it is so blatantly obvious that my mind just isn’t processing the pain the way it used to. If I would feel discomfort before, now I feel real pain. I feel it deep in the bone at times and it scares me. Sometimes I worry that I’ve fractured the bone. This can happen to me a lot easier than it can with someone that doesn’t have this disease.

Isolation brought on by pain

It isn’t only the pain that is a challenge now. Having to restrict myself from doing things that I would normally do has contributed to my isolation. I have to think through every request I get from someone to do something. If it means I will have to stand or walk too much, I generally choose to stay home.

Accepting that it’s ok to rest has been hard on me too. I have never wanted to hinder other people’s experiences because of what I may need to do to protect myself. I have always just sucked it up if I felt like I need to sit down or rest because no one else I was with needed to rest. It was hard to ask people to alter the way that they experience something because I wasn’t capable of doing so at their same level.

I still struggle with that. There are some people in my life who understand. They actively look to suggest resting if they notice I may need to and I appreciate that, it is very helpful. Other times though I will choose not to do things that I want to do because I don’t want to be a burden. The options are asking to rest or simply dealing with the pain which will be damaging. When the pain builds its makes me irritable and on edge. I fear others having to deal with that, as it’s not fair to them.

Isolation has become a big challenge for me in the past couple of years. I’ve been doing it much longer than that, only recently have I identified it as a problem and actively worked on it. It’s more of a challenge now because of the worsening pain I suffer from makes the problem more acute. At times having to not do something I want to do causes me sadness and hopelessness and that leads to the risk of falling back into depression. Even just writing this now has me feeling overwhelmed. It’s hard to accept that this isn’t going to get better with time.

A new painful injury

To compound my problem with pain, in 2018 I suffered a herniated disk in my neck between C6 and C7. One morning while I was driving to the gym I felt I slight pop in my neck. Shortly after, there was shooting pain down my left arm. Over the course of the next hour my arm went completely numb and I lost partial use of it. Instead of the gym I went to the ER.

MRI of my neck showing the herniation between the C6 and C7 vertebrae in 2018

I wrote about that whole ordeal once before here ( https://wp.me/p4rm8Q-at ) it was the most trying six weeks of my life. The never ending nerve pain was bad enough. The horrible cocktail of drugs designed to help me instead made everything significantly worse. Dark, dark days. I finally had risky surgery on my spine to fix the herniated disk. Traditionally they would go in through my throat and fix the herniation and then fuse the disk. I chose to go a different route though, I didn’t want to have my neck fused.

The surgery I chose was risky because of the proximity to the spinal column. The doctor had only performed it a handful of times. During at least one surgery the spinal column was nicked causing an entirely new set of problems. I knew the risk but I needed it taken care of, I had lived six weeks in absolute hell.

Surgery was successful and the pain was gone, for the time being. I slowly recovered from the surgery and got back to a relatively normal life after about six months. The lasting result is chronic fatigue in my neck and pain that is worse as each day unfolds. I always compare it to my head being to heavy for my neck to support if I’m out and about all day without laying down to rest it.

A long, frightening night at the airport in Portugal

The risk of herniation isn’t gone, just this last April it happened again.  I was in London with my brother and his family and started to feel pain building in my neck, in the same place. Within a day I had that same horrible nerve pain in my neck and this time in my right shoulder. 

The next day I had to fly back to California after spending a night in the airport in Portugal. If you haven’t experienced this type of nerve pain I really don’t know how to describe it adequately. It’s persistent, relentless and takes all the mental strength you have to persevere through every minute. During the night at the airport I lost feeling in my right arm and the fine motor skills in my right hand. It was a very long night.

As part of the boarding process I had to complete a form that required a few check marks and a signature. It’s pretty unsettling to hold a pen in the hand that you’ve been writing with your whole life and not be able to sign your name. I stared at the pen and at my hand, willing them to move and I simply could not do it. I ended up having to sign it left handed.

Before we took off I emailed my doctor in California and told him what was happening and where I was. When I landed I found that he ordered a round of prednisone to reduce the swelling in my spine that was pinching the nerve. Within two days the awful pain was gone. Slowly, over a couple of months I regained full use of my hand and fingers. What I learned from this episode was just how susceptible I am to this type of injury reoccurring.

The residual pain in my neck is also chronic now and just another issue for my already taxed mind to contend with. My sincere hope is that as I improve my mental health my mind will relax from always being in survival mode and will be able to handle the chronic pain again on some level. As I said earlier, living with non stop pain is exhausting, frustrating and mentally damaging. In my case the added stress of trauma recovery is sometimes just too much to handle.

Thank you for reading. Writing is healing. One Love

How a narcissist nearly derailed my healing

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

“When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth just like you did.” -Dr Jill Blakeway

One of the worst attributes of a narcissist is when they manipulate another person into being what they need from them in order to feel whole. Like a predator, they seek out vulnerability to exploit because they are cowards.

They may need friendship or companionship It could be something as insidious as wanting their victim’s life (think Single white Female). Entitlement is a big part of narcissism and it fuels their actions.

When the narcissist thinks that they deserve something that their target has but isn’t worthy of, they try to take it. They will slowly and meticulously tear down their victim while making them think that they are doing the opposite. This creates a sense of beholdeness. All the while they are positioning themself to eventually take whatever it is that they want, what they believe they deserve more than their victim does.

This could be a job, an item like a car, respect or praise. It could be their victim’s spouse or even their children. It’s sick, twisted and frightening.

How narcissism can affect your healing

I want to share an example of how this can manifest in a survivor’s life and how we must look out for it. It’s hard enough to identify and react to when we live with healthy boundaries. Imagine how easy it would be for a narcissist to insert themself into a survivor’s life who has not yet learned how to protect themself.

When you consider trusting people, as an adult most of us have a good sense of trustworthiness. Most victims of past abuse are learning how to trust again if they’ll ever even be able to. The narcissist sees this as an opportunity. An opportunity to go overboard to gain the trust no one else can get from the survivor in order to fulfill their own twisted needs and desires, to make the victim feel beholden to them.

The narcissist will target a vulnerable person to ensure success and manipulate their mind through emotions like guilt.  It’s predatory and controlling and it sets victims back years if not forever. Narcissistic manipulation is very hard to spot when you don’t know what to look for or if you have no reason to look for it. Generally, it feels like it’s too late when you finally start to realize that something is wrong.

Learning to trust is key

As a victim of abuse whether you are actively working through your trauma or haven’t yet been able to face it, trust is and will be a big part of your work. Likely, in some form your trust was broken. It could be trust in a person or a group, trust in a relationship or trust in mankind in general. On some level your trust was broken and you will be seeking to find a way to feel secure in trusting again.

In my case my trust was shattered by a person, a priest. As I worked through my trauma I found that my trust in the Church itself was broken too as was my trust in God and religion. I’ve found over time that my mistrust in God, the Church and religion was misplaced. It has been “easier” to reconcile my differences with them than it has been to find safety in trusting human beings again.

I started understanding how my trust being broken had manifested in my life. Quickly I realized that I was going to be battling myself in the process quite a bit. Finding no peace in not trusting people, I really wanted to trust. To be able to trust again I knew would take time and learned tools. I longed for the comfort of living in a world where I know who is bad and who is good like I did before, regardless of how naive that is.

I wanted to believe that if I let someone into my life, that I was a good enough judge of character to be able to trust that their intentions were pure. The term boundaries in relation to mental health was still not something I was aware of at that point. If I were trusting someone, it was blind trust and wasn’t healthy for me because I was very vulnerable.

If I let the wrong person or people in at that point it could have had devastating consequences. I had unknowingly let a narcissist in years earlier. It did have just those consequences, but not for a very long time. The manipulation was slow and meticulous. It lasted so long that even when red flags surfaced, I easily dismissed them for a couple of reasons.

Healthy boundaries protect from manipulation

Over time I had progressed slowly in my healing and began to understand the importance of healthy boundaries. I had started to try to learn how to use them in my life. Red flags presented by someone close to me could easily be dismissed as likely hyper-vigilance on my part because this person had helped me get where I was. I didn’t believe they could have bad intentions. I thought I must just be projecting what I’m learning or still trying to find a comfortable place of understanding bad behavior vs good.

The narcissist had me convinced of their goodness. I was learning boundaries for other people, not someone so close to me. That is a product of my vulnerability and the insidious manipulation that began during those most vulnerable years.

Time passed and my strength increased. I learned to trust myself which is the key to trusting others. I felt like I had a good grip on good vs bad and right vs wrong. I was understanding how to identify red flags and more importantly, how to react to them.

Betrayal from the narcissist

As I said, the narcissist was in my life already in the form of a person who supported me. Someone who manipulated themself into my friends group and my family. Someone who was always there by my side and quite frankly probably did care about me, as much as they could. The issue was that they are sick and incapable of real, true emotion. Ultimately a narcissist cares only truly about themself. They will use anyone they can to improve their perception of themself and the perception that others have of them.

I have had to find a way to learn to trust myself all over again. This person’s actions set me back years in my therapy. All the work I had done to get to where I was at that point in my life disappeared. I was feeling so strong and confident and then reality hit me. Someone that close to me, who I trusted implicitly, was in fact the last person I should be trusting. It was truly devastating.

It crushed me and it led to some of my darkest hours. I was back to square one only this time it was worse. This time I had to not only learn how to trust myself again. Now I had to work through believing I had found that ability to trust myself and others once before, only to find out I was horribly wrong.

The price I’ve paid

I have lost a lot because of this. Narcissists will continue to try to manipulate you even when you no longer allow it. Without seeking help, they only know how to right themselves one way, control. I’ve lost significant relationships due to this person’s shifted focus of undermining me and my mental health through misinformation. They maintain a semblance of control of me in their mind in order to get what they always wanted; my life and the things I had that they believed they were entitled to.

I’ve learned that I can’t wade into those waters. I can’t win by trying to disprove what is happening or by pleading my case. They will, one day, slip up again and will be exposed for what they truly are.

For my part, I understand the people being lied to and what they are dealing with. I hold nothing but pure love and affection for them in my heart. Had I tried to stop the continued manipulation I would have fallen further into a mentally unhealthy place. I would not have been able to continue to grow and evolve and understand how to trust. I don’t know if I would have found the strength that I have today.

As survivors of abuse we must look out for one another and help one another. When I write, my focus is on telling my truth with the hope that others with similar truths see that they are not alone and can begin to rise out of their own darkness. I also feel responsible to warn those who may read my posts of some of the dangers they could encounter on their journey to a healthy mind. Learning to trust will be a big part of healing. It’s important to learn to actively trust, passive trust can leave you vulnerable to being a victim again.

Thank you for reading. Writing is healing. One Love.

How narcissism almost derailed my healing

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“When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but stay above it, trusting that other people will eventually see the truth just like you did.” -Dr Jill Blakeway

One of the worst attributes of a narcissist is when they manipulate another person or people into being what they need from them in order to feel whole. Like a predator, they seek out vulnerability to exploit because they are cowards.

They may need friendship, companionship or something as insidious as wanting their victim’s life (think Single white Female), whatever they have zeroed in on that they believe they’re entitled to.

When the narcissist thinks that they deserve something that their target has but isn’t worthy of, they try to take it. They will slowly and meticulously tear down their victim while making them think that they are doing the opposite, creating a sense of beholdeness. All the while they are positioning themself to eventually take whatever it is that they want, what they believe they deserve more than their victim does.

This could be a job, an item like a car, respect or praise. It could be their victim’s spouse or even their children. It’s sick, twisted and frightening.

I want to share an example of how this can manifest in a survivor’s life and how we must look out for it. It’s hard enough to identify and react to when we live with healthy boundaries but imagine how easy it would be for a narcissist to insert themself into a survivor’s life who has not yet learned how to protect themself.

When you consider trusting people, as an adult most of us have a good sense of trustworthiness. Most victims of past abuse do not, most are learning how to trust again if they’ll ever even be able to. The narcissist sees this as an opportunity. An opportunity to go overboard to gain the trust no one else can get from the survivor in order to fulfill their own twisted needs and desires, to make the victim feel beholden to them.

The narcissist will target a vulnerable person to ensure success and manipulate their mind through emotions like guilt.  It’s predatory and controlling and it sets victims back years if not forever. Narcissistic manipulation is very hard to spot when you don’t know what to look for or if you have no reason to look for it. Generally, it feels like it’s too late when you finally start to realize that something is wrong.

As a victim of abuse whether you are actively working through your trauma or haven’t yet been able to face it, trust is and will be a big part of your work. Likely, in some form your trust was broken. It could be trust in a person or a group, trust in a relationship or trust in mankind in general. On some level your trust was broken and you will be seeking to find a way to feel secure in trusting again.

In my case my trust was shattered by a person, a priest. As I worked through my trauma I found that my trust in the Church itself was broken too as was my trust in God and religion. I’ve found over time, that for me my mistrust in God, the Church and religion was misplaced and it has been “easier” to reconcile my differences with them than it has been to find safety in trusting human beings again.

Once I started working through how my trust being broken had manifested in my life I realized quickly that I was going to be battling myself in the process quite a bit. I wanted to trust, I wasn’t finding peace in not trusting people. While I knew that it would take time and learned tools to be able to trust again, I really wanted the comfort of living in a world where I knew who was bad and who was good like I used to think I did, regardless of how naive that is.

I wanted to believe that if I let someone into my life, that I was a good enough judge of character to be able to trust that their intentions were pure. I still had never even heard the term boundaries in relation to mental health at that point and so if I were trusting someone, it was blind trust and was not healthy for me because I was very vulnerable.

If I let the wrong person or people in at that point it could have had devastating consequences. I had unknowingly let a narcissist in years earlier and that is what ended up happening and it did have just those consequences, but not for a very long time. The manipulation was slow and meticulous and lasted so long that even when red flags surfaced, I easily dismissed them for a couple of reasons.

Over time I had progressed slowly in my healing and began to understand the importance of healthy boundaries and had started to try to learn how to use them. Red flags presented by someone close to me were easily dismissed as likely hyper-vigilance on my part because this person had helped me get where I was. I didn’t believe they could have bad intentions. I thought I must just be projecting what I’m learning or still trying to find a comfortable place of understanding bad behavior vs good.

The narcissist had me convinced of their goodness, enough time had already passed in our friendship that any red flag could be laughed off because I was learning boundaries for other people, not someone so close to me. That is a product of the vulnerability of where I started and the insidious manipulation that began during those most vulnerable years.

Time passed and my strength increased. I learned to trust myself which is the key to trusting others. I felt like I had a good grip on good vs bad and right vs wrong. I was understanding how to identify red flags and more importantly, how to react to them.

As I said, the narcissist was in my life already in the form of a person who supported me. Someone who manipulated themself into my friends group and my family. Someone who was always there, always by my side and quite frankly probably did care about me, as much as they could. The issue was that they are sick and incapable of real, true emotion. Ultimately a narcissist cares only truly about themself and will use anyone they can to improve their perception of themself as well as the perception that others have of them.

I have had to find a way to learn to trust myself all over again. This person’s actions set me back years in my therapy. All the work I had done to get to where I was at that point in my life was gone. I was feeling so strong and confident and then the reality that someone that close to me, who I trusted implicitly, was in fact the last person I should be trusting was truly devastating.

It crushed me and it led to some of my darkest hours. I was back to square one only this time it was worse. This time I had to not only learn how to trust myself again, but now I had to work through believing I had found that ability to trust myself and others once before, only to find out I was horribly wrong.

I have lost a lot because of this. Narcissists will continue to try to manipulate you even when you no longer allow it. Without seeking help, they only know how to right themselves one way, control. I’ve lost significant relationships due to this person’s shifted focus of undermining me and my mental health through misinformation, maintaining a semblance of control of me in their mind in order to get what they always wanted; my life and the things I had that they believed they were entitled to.

I’ve learned that I can’t wade into those waters. I can’t win by trying to disprove what is happening or by pleading my case. They will, one day, slip up again and will be seen for what they truly are.

For my part, I understand the people being lied to and what they are dealing with and hold nothing but pure love and affection for them in my heart. Had I tried to stop the continued manipulation I would have fallen further into a mentally unhealthy place. I would not have been able to continue to grow and evolve and understand how to trust. I don’t know if I would have found the strength that I have today.

As survivors of abuse we must look out for one another and help one another. When I write, my focus is on telling my truth with the hope that others with similar truths see that they are not alone and can begin to rise out of their own darkness. I’ve realized that I also feel responsible to warn those who may read my posts of some of the dangers they could encounter along the way on their journey to a healthy mind. Learning to trust will be a big part of healing. It’s important to learn to actively trust, passive trust may leave you open to being victimized again.

Thank you for reading. Writing is healing. One Love.