An unexpected test

Most of my post so far have been about the past and how I have been affected by the past. This post is about something that happened today, Friday July 8, 2023 and how I have responded to it.

As some of you know I have had a very hard time finding a job these last three years. Some of it was my mental state, fighting through depression but mostly I was having a hard time because of my leg. I have a disability, Enchondromatosis or Ollier’s Disease. I’ve written about it in previous posts detailing the chronic pain and the vulnerability to small fractures from extended standing and walking without adequate rest.

The majority of the jobs I’ve worked in my life and specifically the three main positions I’ve held all required a level of physical ability that I struggle to maintain today. They all required extended time walking or standing so while looking for a new job I was looking for positions that I had not ever held although I have many transferable skills for. Eventually I finally had the sun shining on me and I landed a fantastic job with Hertz as an operations manager at the SFO location.

I loved the job immediately and connected with a lot of good people quickly. Two weeks ago, after working in the position just over two months I worked a shift where I was needed to stay longer than the ten hours. Toward the end of the ten hour shift I had started to feel pain in my leg where the screws are in the bone, but I stayed because it was needed. The next morning I woke up in a lot of pain and knew I had hurt it being on my feet as long as I was the day before.

I’ve experienced pain after a long day before but it lasts no longer than a day, this has lasted two weeks now. It has improved a little bit but it’s still a level of pain that is more than I am used to dealing with. My initial doctor’s note had me returning to work today, July 8 and so I went to work with the use of the cane I’ve been using to help me get around. After working for a couple of hours I was called in to the GM’s office and fired, failure to pass probation, too many absences.

I was stunned and as you can imagine my emotions started to swirl and churn and I could feel tears welling up. I needed a minute to take in what I was told and compose myself but it wasn’t easy. I tried speaking but really didn’t know what to say. So I gathered my things as they got a driver to take me home because I had a company car.

I was not looking forward to a 90 minute drive in a car with someone I did not know while trying to process what had happened. Here’s the reason for this post, I had taken a step back and calmed myself enough to remember that I was in control of my surroundings. So I politely apologized to her and said that if she didn’t mind I wasn’t going to want to talk. Setting a boundary, which I never would have even thought to do just a couple years ago. She was really nice, said she understood and respected my boundary.

I was texting a few people on the ride but then I started to realize my emotions were still right on the verge of me losing control of them. I closed my eyes and started to meditate. In my mind I identified every emotion I was feeling; fear, anger, frustration, sadness, embarrassment to name a few. I let them run through me and tell me why they were there, what earthly problem did I now face because of what just happened that created that specific emotion in me.

I saw that I face a scary financial situation. Realizing that was where my fear came from allowed me to come up with a plan to address it and alleviate the fear. I face the fact that my leg has now caused me to be fired from a job and the frustration from that was the most powerful emotion I was feeling. I can’t change the limitations my leg puts on me now and that is frustrating. I identified everything I was feeling and worked through it all. By the time I got home I was already job hunting on my phone.

This may sound strange because I just lost a very good job that I loved doing and had waited so long to get but as I’m writing this I feel great. I feel great about myself, the work I’ve done and the blueprint for success I have for my future. I’ve known throughout this journey that I would be tested. I always hoped that a really hard test wouldn’t come until I was truly ready for it. This test is a big one, the layers of stress involved in losing this job are piled high and I have handled the initial rush of emotions and stress well. I guess I was ready!

I’m going to be ok. I’ll find a good job close to the community where I live and I will continue to grow in strength of mind, body and soul. This has been a very therapeutic post to write and has been the perfect way to end a day that tried to break me but couldn’t.

Thank you for reading. Writing is healing. One Love