As I have said in previous posts, I was very involved in the Church as a kid. It was, in many ways a badge of honor. I was an altar boy at Good Shepherd parish in Pacifica along with most of my male friends, where we went to school. I was involved in the youth group at St Peters parish in Pacifica and I really enjoyed the community aspect of the Church. Today I am finding my way back to an active life in the Church. I want to transition from a victim to an advocate.
I can’t say that I ever had thoughts of a life serving the Church. I don’t remember ever aspiring to be a priest or other member of the clergy. In hindsight, I suppose that there may have come a time in my life when I might have chosen to serve in some capacity but it was never a long term goal. I wasn’t opposed to it, I just don’t ever remember considering where my involvement as a youth could potentially take me.
Drifting away from the Church
I started drifting away from the Church actively around the time that I was being abused by our priest. at the time I didn’t think anything of it, I was growing up and starting to make my way in life and so moving on never seemed like there was a larger reason for it other than I was changing.
Now that I have been working through what my abuse means to my relationship with the Church, it feels like a good time to define where it fits in my life and where I fit in it. I know first hand that the clergy abuse scandal that is ongoing has created a chasm between the church and the way that I grew up in it, and rightfully so. I know that parents are hesitant to allow their children to be involved in youth groups or in ministry and I cannot blame them.
Children likely are uninterested on their own because of what they may have heard or read or been told about the widespread abuses of power enabling priests and other members of the church to violate trust and scar young people for life. All of this is a reasonable response to what has been well documented and what is still happening.
Ruined lives and ruined faith
The worst part of the abuse scandal is the ruined lives. The promise that young people hold within themselves is immense and these predators have stolen that from so many. It is sad, tragic, devastating and grotesque. Real lives thrown off course for good by monsters interested in only satisfying their own sick desires. Families torn apart by guilt and betrayal and the burdens they must work through and try to make peace with. It is horrific, unfair and leaves permeant scars in its wake.
I think it is safe to say that for me that is where the true awfulness of the overall situation is, in the lives ruined. Lives permanently set off course trying to find a place in the world that makes sense. It has taken me 18 years to find that place and as much as I still suffer and as hard as life is day to day I am excited about the opportunity that lies before me.
How I can help
I am one of many, far too many. That is certainly not a badge of honor to wear but it does put me in a relatively unique position to make a difference, it gives me a voice. I want to help ensure that this ends. I am not naive and so I don’t believe that abuse can be eradicated completely in any large organization but the Church in particular needs this to end.
The Church partially relies on youth development to replace the people moving on from stellar careers serving Christ, communities and the overall administration of the word of God. Forever, the backfill has included in large part, people like me. People who grew up in the Church, were active from a young age and ultimately pledged a life of service. This scandal has put that in jeopardy. As I mentioned earlier parents are not as willing to allow their children to be involved in Church activities and children aren’t as willing to learn about vocations that may eventually lead to a life of service to the Church.
The Church needs generational healing. The long term affects of the scandal have the potential to be devastating to its future. As I have written previously, I was victimized, in part, because of my faith. My faith is why I was there and why I was a target. But when I needed my faith the most I had already shunned it as part of my pain and suffering.
It has only been since I realized how badly I needed it and worked to find a way to get faith back in my life that I have been able to make huge strides in my healing. Faith is very important to me and I want everyone who desires faith in their lives to experience its immense power.
I want to use my platform to not only help protect others from suffering as I have and as so many others have and to help guide those who have suffered, through their healing but I also want to help people feel safe being involved in the Church again.
I want to work to ensure that new waves of young Catholics feel safe as members of the Church and in participating in the ministry. I want to help them feel comfortable interacting with members of the Church in order to learn more deeply about the teachings and the potential for a lifetime of service. I want to help alleviate the fears of the parents and guardians in allowing their children to be more involved in the Church.
I fear that if this is not done we will lose an entire generation of Catholics when we in fact have an opportunity for that same generation to help usher in a safer and better era of Catholicism.
Recovering Through Writing 