One of my biggest frustrations in my life is when I can’t focus, when my mind betrays me and I can’t accomplish anything. My work suffers, my relationships suffer and I suffer because I want so badly to be able to focus but I simply can’t. It is this overwhelming feeling that is like a migraine headache but with no pain. My head feels like it is going to explode because of all of the information bouncing around inside.
Instead of being at peace with my now, I am trying to hold on to and control every single thing that is in my head. I can’t let go of anything even though that is all I want to do and it is exhausting. I get so overwhelmed and tired that I withdraw into myself and I withdraw physically from the world too.
It is isolating and sad. I feel like the only way to find some peace is to not think about anything at all and that means absolutely nothing. I lock myself away and just sit. It is no way to live and it is depression’s best friend.
For the longest time I just resigned myself to this. I gave up because not only was I already overwhelmed by the jumbled mess in my head but the idea of trying to work my way out of the mess was just too much. Through therapy I have learned tools that help to compartmentalize the things in my head so I can prioritize them and only focus on the most important things and not the things that I can’t control but even that process is overwhelming at times.
Normally my mind is so jumbled up and full of nonsense that it’s exhausting to be awake. Sometimes, though, I get these moments of clarity. As if my mind is wide open airspace and I am completely free of all stress and worry. It’s an overall feeling that I have no problems. That all will be fine and that good things are on their way. It’s euphoric in a way. I don’t have to focus on it, it’s just there and I feel so much peace in that place. It’s as if I just know that what will be will be.
Not to say that everything is perfect, but nothing worries me. I just need to live within that space, make my choices, go where I go, do what I do, respond to situations when I need to but never when I don’t. The feeling is usually fleeting. It will disappear as quickly as it arrives and that’s fine. When it’s gone, in the past, I’ve lamented it’s departure and dreaded the inevitable return to the torturous stress filled mind space I generally live in. This time, as I’ve just taken off from Palma enroute to London I chose to memorialize the feeling by writing about it. Writing it as documentation that there is freedom of mind in my world. That I am capable of it and so that if I feel despair I can read this and remember the feeling.
I think that writing it was the right thing to do. A day and a half later I still feel so much peace of mind. I feel a general clarity since that moment on the plane. Life seems to have slowed down just enough and I’m only thinking about the really important things and I’m not overthinking them. It’s that feeling of what will be will be and I like living in it.
It has now been ten days since the peace began on that flight to London and in that time I have been to the U.S. and back. I have stepped far outside of my comfort zone without hesitation and came away each time feeling stronger and much more in control of my life. I spent significant amounts of time in social situations where I did not know anyone but my brother and nephew and found it relatively easy to talk to people and really engage myself in deeper than surface conversations. Before leaving Mallorca for this trip I had anxiety over knowing these social situations awaited me but when they arrived I never once felt anxious and in fact, I looked forward to them. I have no doubt that my current clarity of mind contributed greatly to this and I feel like I am inching ever closer to who I know I truly am.
I’m going to do what I can to keep myself here, I feel like it’s overdue. I have meditated sporadically in the last few years and it feels like a great avenue for me to maintain the feeling and nurture it. I had the opportunity to pray a lot on this trip with spiritual leaders as well as on my own and I feel God’s support more than ever through that prayer. I’m not super focused on this peace or worried about how long it will last. Instead I’m learning how to live in it and help make it my norm through mediatation and prayer and the belief that I deserve this.
This is all ideal but it’s not easy and I know that I will probably always struggle with it. Part of it is not dwelling on the things I can’t control, the serenity prayer comes to mind. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. Actually I was just discussing it with a good friend and strong influence of mine recently and I realized that I had forgotten about it. It is helpful in theory and when I can apply it, it really does work. Too often though I can’t even wrap my head around what the overwhelming things in my head even are so to prioritize them under those circumstances is nearly impossible.
Faith, hope and a belief in myself and the goodness I deserve is the key and I intend to ride this wave as long as it remains. If it leaves, I believe that I now have the knowledge and ability to not falter and to find my peace again.
Recovering Through Writing 